How To: Freedom of Speech

Free speech is hard, you guys. Sure, people say we can say whatever we want, but every time I yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded movie theater, I somehow get arrested. And it’s like, come on guys, that was obviously performance art. Get off my back.

The point is, sometimes it’s tough figuring out what you can and cannot say. Thankfully, readme has put together a guide on the rules of free speech, helpfully provided by lawmakers, political pundits, and those people who hang out on Fox News message boards:

Free Speech: Companies hiring CEOs who donate money to anti-gay lobbyists.

Not Free Speech: Companies asking people to boycott companies whose CEOs donate to anti-gay lobbyists.

Free Speech: Calling a federal official “a witless off-brand Pippi Longstocking.”

Not Free Speech: Calling Bill O’Reilly bad at his job.

Free Speech: Teaching children about creationism.

Not Free Speech: Teaching teenagers about safe sex.

Free Speech: Doctors giving women (false) information about how their abortions will hurt them.

Not Free Speech: Doctors suggesting people lock up their guns so kids won’t shoot themselves.

Free Speech: Religious groups protesting funerals of gay veterans.

Not Free Speech: Unions protesting low wages.

Free Speech: Straight-up lying about political opponents.

Not Free Speech: Nonviolent protest.

Free Speech: Money.

Not Free Speech: Actual speech.

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