Carnegie Mellon University recently announced the launch of CMU BrianHub, a global initiative to understand the complex relationship between the Brian and his environment. To this end, the University has been recruiting Brians for study and research purposes. They will be compensated for their time and hair loss.
“I’m not sure what we’ll be doing, but I can’t turn down cash,” said Brian #3 (CFA ’19). When asked if the study’s methodology had followed standard ethics practices, Brian #7 (MCS ’18) appeared confused. “I’m just here for the free food,” he said. Approximately five minutes later, he was escorted out by University Police, which frightened Brian #5 (DC ’18), who hid under a table until they left.
The involved researchers seemed enthusiastic about finding cures for common Brian afflictions, such as Brian fever, Brian’s disease, and acne. “We’re hoping to develop new tools for finding and treating these illnesses quickly and efficiently,” said neurobioecologist Brian Griffin. “I’m particularly invested in this project because I don’t want any other Brians to experience what I have gone through.” His eyes then darted around as he blushed into his drink. readme didn’t ask.
readme was able to meet up with Brian #4 (MCS ‘15) after his first research session. “It was bizarre,” he said. “All I did was sit in a room and listen to a Monty Python song. Then I had to write a paragraph about how I felt while getting an MRI.” Brian #8’s (CIT ‘14) experience was quite different: “First I listened to a recording telling me how high and noble I was. Then I was handed a teleportation-making gun and directed through obstacle courses by a friendly female voice. Finally, I spun in a circle while listening to ‘Brian Wilson’ on repeat. I’m definitely going back for the next session.” When asked why, he responded, “I ran out of blocks, and I need to eat somehow.”
No definite results have yet arrived from the experiments, but researchers remain hopeful. “We’re going to keep trying until we get results, even if it kills them,” said Griffin, then: “Can you not print that? The ethics committee is displeased enough as it is.”