While most CMU students were recovering from hangovers (or all-nighters) on Labor Day Monday, a dreadful piece of news came from Russia’s space agency: five geckos that were sent to orbit in July were found dead after the spacecraft landed on September 1.
According to the agency’s website, these geckos were part of an experiment that studied how weightless environment affects geckos’ reproduction. However, scientists lost communications with the satellite soon after it made orbit. They were not able to control the aircraft, or to observe the geckos. One imagines the geckos found a way to turn off camera feed after they realized that they should be charging money for this prime gecko porn.
Through subsequent investigations after the spacecraft landed, engineers discovered that there was a heating malfunction in the cabin, which made the sex experiment a lot hotter. Literally.
Despite the setback, the agency is determined to continue sending animals into space. According to a poll on its website, the number one creature that people want to send to space next is Justin Bieber, with the hope that he will never return to Earth.
Not everyone was as optimistic as Russia’s space agency, though. Some worried that this was an attempt by Putin to develop cosmically-irradiated space geckos for the sake of world domination, while others were simply concerned by the fact that the Russians chose to send an odd number of geckos into space, which can only mean they planned for some hot gecko threesomes somewhere down the line.
Although the scientists have a working theory on what killed their geckos, several biology students offered readme an alternative:
“Sex kills,” said one, and a few others nodded. “I mean, it makes total sense. It’s why I am alive here, at CMU, unlike those sexy space geckos. Don’t ask me how.”