The Freshman Survival Guide

College can be a frightening experience. You show up on campus and suddenly you’re surrounded by unfamiliar faces who all seem to know each other already. Maybe because they just had PlayFair two days ago.


Well, never fear! For your edification, readme proudly presents: The Freshman Survival Guide! Now you, too, can learn how to survive the freshmen.

  •         Freshman like to travel in herds. Avoid large groups and don’t make eye contact with the head of the pack.
  •         Many freshman wear their ID cards on lanyards for ‘ease of access’. This can be used to identify freshman who break from the herd.
  •         Most freshman live either on or incredibly near campus. They can thus afford to carry lighter encumbrances than an off-campus upperclassman. Take this into account when calculating necessary retreat speed.
  •         Freshman are unfamiliar with the lay of the land. Use this to your advantage by seeking refuge in [obscure part of campus] or [obscure part of campus] but be warned! The freshman will adapt and this tactic will soon become futile. Find more secure hiding places as the year goes on, and do not hide anywhere featured on the KGB campus tour.
  •         Some may tell you that the freshmen are more afraid of you than you are of them. While this advice is occasionally true, it’s best not to rely on it. If a freshman appears frightened, don’t discount the possibility that it could be a feint.
  •         Campus eating places are often filled with hungry freshmen during lunch and dinner hours. Avoid whenever possible and always have an escape route handy.
  •         At some point in the year, you may find yourself taking a class with a freshman. Do not panic. Locate the other upperclassmen in the class and band together; this should be enough to deter them. Beware freshman-dense classes like 112 and __. If you find yourself in one of those, readme can no longer help you.

…hang on a moment, readme’s getting a call on its imaginary earpiece. What’s that, imaginary earpiece? This was supposed to be a survival guide for the freshman? Why would readme do that? They scare us enough already.

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