Interview with a Martian

Back in June, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that it was unconstitutional for the police to search one’s cell phone without a warrant, on the ground that today’s cell phones contain so much personal information that to allow police unrestricted access would be a gross violation of privacy. In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Roberts went so far as to remark that “[cell phones] are now such a pervasive and insistent part of daily life that the proverbial visitor from Mars might conclude they were an important feature of human anatomy.”

 

Well, readme has never been one to shy away from one-upping Supreme Court Justices, so we’ve done him one better and contacted a real life Martian to see if he agrees with Roberts’ assertion.

 

“WHAT IS THIS PRIMITIVE ‘TWITTER’ YOU EARTHLINGS UTILIZE,” said Gorblax [??] after we sent him a tweet asking for an interview. “OUR MARTIAN HASHTAGS OPERATE IN THREE DIMENSIONS SIMULTANEOUSLY! #MARTIANS_RULE #EARTHLINGS_DROOL #LOL”

 

Despite Gorblax’s general scorn for our inferior bird-based social media platforms, he consented to talk with us about our recent Supreme Court rulings. “AH, YES,” said Gorblax. “THE SCALIA EARTHLING IS MOST ENTERTAINING. [???]

 

Gorblax reported that he was pleased with the decision to protect cell phones from searches without warrant, and also with the recent Hobby Lobby ruling that corporations were allowed to withhold contraceptives on religious grounds. What confused readme was that, for some reason, Gorblax seemed to have the impression the two rulings were somehow related.

 

When asked to elaborate, he explained, “IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU EARTHLINGS HAVE FINALLY RECOGNIZED THE INFERIORITY OF YOUR HUMAN UTERUSES TO THEIR TECHNOLOGICAL COUNTERPARTS. WE ON MARS TRANSCENDED OUR PUNY MEATBODIES LONG AGO AND NOW EXIST IN A STATE OF DIGITAL PERFECTION #MARTIANS_RULE_AGAIN #EMBRACE_THE_SINGULARITY #ALL_GLORY_TO_THE_HYPNOTOAD”

 

On the other hand, Gorblax was horrified by the ruling that the EPA could continue regulating greenhouse gas emissions from stationary sources. “WHAT,” he tweeted. “NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT. WITHOUT ENOUGH GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, WE WON’T BE ABLE TO FOCUS THE SUN’S RAYS ON YOUR POLAR ICE CAPS IN PREPARATION FOR THE INVAS—I MEAN, THE UH, PARTY. THE MARTIAN PARTY WE WILL THROW FOR YOU WHEN YOU EARTHLINGS GET ENOUGH GREENHOUSE GASES. THAT ONE. GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH ANYWAYS, I WOULDN’T WORRY TOO MUCH. #TEACH_THE_CONTROVERSY #NO_INVASION_HERE #IN_FACT_FORGET_I_SAID_ANYTHING”

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