Hello, dear reader. Yes, you. Come closer. I want to feel your gaze upon me, and your hands flipping through my pages. You may have only picked me up to get to the Tartan underneath, but if I have drawn you in this far, you may as well keep reading.
The magnificent piece of work currently permeating its way through your brain is none other than readme, Carnegie Mellon University’s premiere satire magazine. Funded by your student activities fee, the diligent staff of readme strives to inform and entertain. All while attempting to be funny, they do their best to raise student awareness on such important issues as racism, classism, ableism, sexism, heterosexism, cissexism, conservatism, sexy-bear-ism, and any other -ism you might care to think of.
However, the toiling scriveners’ energy is not inexhaustible. Every year, they depend on new members to fuel the blood sacrifices that keep readme printing. As long as you have blood, you too could contribute to readme.
Why join readme, you may wonder? After all, there are so many estimable establishments on the Carnegie Mellon campus, it can be hard to discern which is most worthy of your time. To this, I say that there can be no more advantageous organization to put on your resume than readme. It is a feather in your cap to future employers (on a serious note, though, being on readme *really* does look good on a resume. Apparently, hiring managers love satirists), and teaches valuable life skills like how to insult a political opponent while sounding classy as fuck.
What’s more, if you’ve ever felt the need to interact with intelligent and interesting individuals while ironic hipster music (because it’s okay to be a hipster as long as you’re doing it *ironically*, right?) plays in the background, you’ll be right at home during our weekly meetings and office hours. Frankly, I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to take part in fascinating discussions about everything from the state of young adult literature today to the question of how white, exactly, the current GOP is (a six out of ten? Seven-point-five?). We sometimes have food.
Despite all these enticing reasons to join readme, you may still be unsure about signing away your time. Maybe you are tempted, like so many are, to simply do nothing and rely upon other people to make the contributions needed to keep readme running. But you know who else thinks like that? Communists. You don’t want to be a communist, do you? No, I rather thought not. (Those actually seeking to become communists should look into joining KGB instead.) Or perhaps you are not a communist, but simply worry you lack the wit to produce the droll material readme provides. Fret not, for I have a statement of reassurance: everyone who now writes satire, at one point, did not write satire. Your statistics professor may disagree, but in my opinion, this is proof enough that even you can write satire. Yes, you!
For those seeking to join, readme meets weekly from 6:30 to 7:30 Thursday, in room 318G of the University Center conference rooms. Attendance at every meeting is not mandatory, though readme appreciates dedication. Alternately, one can email our editor-in-chef at email@example.com for more information.
If this is not enough to whet your appetite, readme has made the gracious decision to host a how-to workshop on the fine art of satire, to be held on Tuesday, September 9th, from 6:30-8:00 in room A19C in Porter Hall. There may be food. If you are one of those who doubts your ability to craft fine satire, this should convince you that the current readme staff doesn’t know either.
Please understand. Though we at readme work tirelessly to produce the satire you all so dearly enjoy, we need new recruits to keep the presses going. We do not exaggerate when we say the fate of readme hangs in the balance. Thank you for your consideration.