Pictured: CulinArt’s ideal customer
In a new move meant to reward students using the block system, CulinArt at CMU is to begin giving out a complementary set of dentures with every meal. For those students somehow in full possession of their dental faculties, alternative prizes include old issues of National Geographic, copies of the 1962 Farmer’s Almanac, spare doilies, and beginner’s crochet kits.
“We’ve got all these students signing up for all these senior citizen eating times,” said an anonymous supervisor at Skibo Cafe. “I’m sure they’ll love these matching accessories.”
Many students surveyed by readme staff seem to agree, and can be seen out on campus decked out with these doddering decorations. Several environmental science majors have reported many enjoyable hours spent studying National Geographic. Both CFA majors and the English department have reported a high satisfaction with the crochet kits, citing “major increases in procrastination efficiency and productivity,” according to a Philosophy and Creative Writing major who wishes to stay anonymous to potential employers.
Senior members of the CMU academic community have applauded the venture. “Even though we don’t actually pay for or use blocks – because, I mean, who would?” said Seymour Citisen, associate professor of history. “But it’s nice to see that more students are being encouraged to follow an elderly lifestyle.” According to many older staff, eating after seven A.M. is far too late, and dinners after six are disruptive to the digestive system. “Early to bed and early to rise,” said Citisen. “You know the rest.”
CulinArt employees have also hinted at plans for different shapes, sizes, flavors and colors for distributed dentures, but no claims have yet been substantiated. Suggestions of replacing “lunch” blocks with “tea-time” and offering mushy potatoes-and-peas casserole at the Exchange in place of its normal menu have been met with widespread approval. CulinArt managers, however, have so far given no indication as to their next innovative ideas.
“We like to mix things up,” said the anonymous Skibo employee. “Keep things interesting, you know? But not too interesting.”
Some students do disagree with this plan, calling the distribution of dentures “insulting” and the meal scheduling times “ridiculous.”
“We already get up later, stay up later, stay up longer than older people,” said undeclared freshman Nue Too Schuel. “We need better dining hours. It’s ridiculous to expect us to have had a full dinner by 8 when we might just be getting out of class then. And what’s the point of giving these dentures out? Spend the money somewhere useful, like buying more cashiers at Resnik Servery.”
In response, Professor Citisen had this to say: “The problem isn’t the eating times. It’s that people are still using the dining plan at all. So suck it up, nerds.”