How to Lose Friends and Alienate (Decent) People

YouTuber Sam Pepper has achieved a great deal of notoriety for his prank videos that “raise awareness” about domestic violence and sexual, most by being violent and sexually assaulting people. So that you, too, might achieve Internet fame, here are a few prank ideas inspired by Pepper’s honest movement:

  • See how many people you can harass before you receive a restraining roder
  • Super-glue your hands to strangers’ body parts
  • See how many people you can harass before getting punched in the face
  • Drug your friend and make him believe his life is in danger by reenacting the Saw franchise
  • Lick as many people as possible before getting arrested, or dying from infection
  • Exploit people’s lack of consent for laughs
  • Throw a stranger’s child into a river
  • Push a friend off a balcony
  • Steal a starving person’s food
  • Call everything you do a “social experiment”
  • Call people who don’t understand or approve of your “social experiments” stupid
  • If that doesn’t work, say you’re raising awareness for domestic violence against men. That’ll let you get away with anything.

White House Takes Page from ‘Wipeout’ with New Tour

The White House has announced that they are offering a new style of tour, one in which the tourist will get to experience the thrills of being chased by secret service agents while acting out an attack on the President. The new attraction is sure to raise the revenues of the White House, as people are generally responsive to handing over their money in exchange for risky, possible dangerous activities that could entail years of jail time.

“Yeah, we really think we’ve got a hit with this one,” one source claimed. “We came up with the idea after having a movie night with the White House staff and watching Olympus Has Fallen. Someone asked, ‘wouldn’t it be great if people could actually run through the White House while waving threatening objects around? Who hasn’t dreamt of acting out an attack on our nation’s capitol?’ and you know, the idea just kinda stuck.”

The White House security was fine with the idea, as it provided free training for its officers. Already quite skilled, the guards did their job almost too well. In fact, the first several civilians who attempted the tour complained that they weren’t allowed to make it more than a few feet once they had climbed the fence. “I was really looking forward to taking the president hostage, just like the guys in White House Down. I didn’t even get to see as much as the regular tours do, though, and the secret service agent who tackled me was nowhere near as hot as Channing Tatum.”

However, there were several complaints from the ushers that it wasn’t any fun to watch when the would-be intruders didn’t even have a chance. Also, the alarms were quite loud. To even the playing field, and to save their eardrums, the alarms were turned off. And finally, one tourist got his money’s worth.

He made it over the fence, across the yard, through the doors, and finally down the hallway before finally being brought down. The ushers applauded his great run, saying it was the best they’d seen since the program was started. “What would have been even more cool was if the President was actually here. You shoulda seen the guy’s face when he found out he was just a few minutes too late to meet Barack.”

iPhone Fails to Cure Cancer, Apple Users Riot

Despite the hype surrounding the release of Apple’s iPhone 6, consumer trust in the company was irrevocably shattered when customer complaints indicated that the frames of iPhone 6s bent when placed in a user’s pocket. Literally ones of customers reported their phones exhibiting this flaw, sparking a scandal that became known by some as ‘Bendgate’ (or, by those with actual creativity, ‘Bendghazi’).

The Bendghazi scandal swept through the Internet within days of breaking. Videos went viral of iPhone users demonstrating the iPhone’s supposed design flaw by attempting to break the machines they just spent $200 dollars on. It was sort of like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, except instead of raising money for research into curing a debilitating illness, all it did was remind us how little original content there is on YouTube these days.

But is there really any truth to these accusations? According to one consumer, yes, the new iPhone 6 bends surprisingly easy under numerous everyday conditions, like being dropped from a helicopter rappel, used to block bullet fire, and sealed into an underground cavern where the walls slowly move in to crush you. readme asked the consumer what the fuck kind of life she led that this was an everyday thing, but was forced to flee before they got an answer when a horde of angry ninja attacked the consumer.

Thankfully, one Apple customer was more than happy to demonstrate the iPhone 6’s bendability to readme. The first attempt to bend the phone had no visible effect, though the man assured readme that he could do it, definitely, he just needed to get a better grip first. His next five attempts were similarly unsuccessful, which he said was really weird, because he never had that much trouble with it before. Like, any time his girlfriend needs him to bend an iPhone, she goes straight to him, and this one’s probably just stuck anyways. “Maybe if I run it under some hot water,” he mused.

But this Bendghazi scandal is not the only technical issue which plagues the iPhone 6. One Apple user reports to her frustration that the iPhone 6 runs out of battery when not plugged in. Another complains that the iPhone is unable to receive text messages from the future, and a third insists that his iPhone is the reason he has yet to win 2048.

And, of course, there are the allegations that the iPhone 6 has yet to create world peace, solve racism, or cure cancer. Because, really, what’s even the point if the iPhone 6 is just another cellphone? We’re not paying for a phone here, we’re paying for an ideal. Who cares if it’s bigger, or thinner, or comes in a gold frame? Wait holy shit, it comes in a gold frame? readme takes it all back, guys. The iPhone is perfect, Apple is God again.

‘Gravity’ Sequel to be Real-er, Cheaper, Spacier

Gravity-2!

When the thriller “‘Gravity” was released in theaters last year, people were awestruck by Sandra Bullock’s adventures in space. The sequel to this blockbuster is set to come out next year, and readme has gotten its hands on some juicy inside information.

First of all, the movie will take place in orbit around Mars, not Earth. According to studios, the red background will make the movie appear ‘edgier’ to attract the youth audience. More big news is that the sequel will be filmed on location. An Indian company known by its acronym ISRO will be contracted to provide transportation to and from site. readme can only speculate what ISRO stands for; best it can get is

One might think that filming on location in Mars’ orbit would be expensive. However, our source has reported that it will actually be done under the original Gravity’s budget of $100 million dollars. The original film relied heavily on special effects, all but 17 shots requiring post-production magic. The new film will not only be more realistic, but also only cost three-quarters of the price. The rumor is that NASA is insanely jealous, as they can hardly afford to hire the Russians for their spaceship needs.

After the original film’s production period of more than four years, one might be surprised to see a sequel coming out just two years later. The new technology used to achieve the super-realistic effects (i.e. a mission to Mars) is not only cheaper, but also faster to produce than the traditional method, which involved robots and 1.8 million individually maneuverable LED lights. India is quick to point out that while everyone has done robots, only a few nations have made it to Mars. “Suck it, China!” was the actual phrase used.

Another new change is the addition of frequent breakouts into song and dance, for apparently no reason. readme was worried that it might be a little awkward, as Bullock is alone for the most part, but backup singers and dancers appear specially for these scenes. Also, Bullock has a touching conversation with her Indian great-aunt, who angrily asks why she “couldn’t just marry the nice young doctor we found.” The call will include the 13 minute delay between signals sent from Earth reaching Mars.

Some have criticised the film for spending so much money on such a frivolous endeavor, when there are more serious problems in the world to contend with. However, readme knows that the free market dictates what money is spent on, and blockbuster films meant to escape reality are far more enjoyable than actually facing said reality.

Better Names for ‘Midterms’

  • Mid-months
  • Mid-weeks
  • Mid-some-indeterminate-amount-of-time-that-is-certainly-not-a-full-term
  • Wednesdays
  • Also Tuesdays
  • And you know what, sometimes Thursdays
  • Regular tests
  • Almost-third-terms
  • Five-seventeenth-terms
  • Point-two-nine-four-one-terms
  • Finals Jr.
  • The death of your free time
  • Impending caffeine addiction
  • Impending caffeine relapse
  • Time to befriend the smart kid
  • The reason you fill out that drop form
  • The reason you fill out that tranfser app
  • One-third of your grade
  • ‘Fuck, I have to wake up today’
  • ‘Wait, I’m doing WHAT today?!?!’

Holder’s White House Era at an End

This week, the US Attorney General, Eric Holder, announced that he will resign from office as soon as a successor is confirmed.

Of course news headlines like this normally wouldn’t catch the eyes of readme. After all, the name Eric Holder just sounds like another rich white politician who comes and goes in Washington. However, upon a further glance at the photo of Mr. Holder, readme discovered that Mr. Holder is actually the first African-American US Attorney General. In order to commemorate this historic event and thank Mr. Holder for his service, readme has put together an easy-to-read summary of his career.

 

  • Success #1
    Since his appointment in 2009, Mr. Holder has dealt with several high profile cases, especially with regard to the flustercluck that’s left behind by the 2008 financial crisis. For example, his Department of Justice reached a $13 billion settlement with JPMorgan Chase, a $16.65 billion settlement with Bank of America and a $9 billion settlement with BNP Paribas.
  • Fail #1
    CMU still doesn’t have a law school. $28.65 billion! Holy $#!& that’s about 20 times the endowment of CMU!
  • Success #2
    Mr. Holder revived the Civil Rights Division of DOJ, which significantly stepped up their effort to protect voters’ rights and LGBT rights, as well as efforts to fight racial discrimination and injustice.
  • Fail #2
    Mr. Holder clearly didn’t understand the principles of Washington: always get something for yourself. This is the probably the most altruistic move ever of him. I mean, he is probably richer than 99% of us. Why care about the little guys?
  • Success #3
    De-criminalized the sales of marijuana in states that are already legal.
  • Fail #3
    Didn’t get enough props for that since people in those states are probably too high to care.

 

 

Male Teachers Protest Unfair Treatment

“Teachers deserve equal treatment,” Erin shouted to the crowd, “and equal representation is the first step toward equal treatment. I am sick and tired of the precarious gender gap that haunts every elementary and middle school in this country. It’s time to stand up, it’s time for change.”

Erin Carmichaels, a 26-year old middle school teacher from Memphis, TN, is one of many self-proclaimed masculists who is fighting to change the female-dominated public school system. He is president of the Defeating Organizational Non-equality Group (or DONG), an anti-discrimination organzation with over 10,000 members nationwide.

The DONG’s concerns are well-justified. In a nationwide AP poll, only 3 out of 10 adults reported having “a dude teaching me shit in middle school.” Furthermore, barely 1 in 10 adults stated that they “had a bro teacher in elementary school.” These studies remind Erin and his followers, known as DONGs, that they face a long and difficult battle. “We understand that we are uprooting traditional school hierarchies and that some schools will be very resistant toward that change. But society has changed a lot in the past century. More men are studying education and psychology than ever before. Men are no longer dissuaded from careers in these fields for fear of being perceived as ‘pussies’ or ‘bitches’ or ‘fucks without real jobs.’ I think it’s empowering.”

In recent months, other prominent masculists have spoken out against gender discrimination in public schools. Ben Friedan, author of bestseller The Male Mystique, proclaimed that “men are just as good as women at teaching and deserve the right to prove that in the workplace.” Author Nathan Wolf decried the public school system as “a gossipy, needy disgrace that can’t make even the simplest of decisions, such as which restaurant to go to on teacher’s night.”

Sadly, the large gender gap in elementary and middle schools can prove a harrowing environment for inexperienced male teachers. Male school teachers frequently file harassment cases against their female co-workers, many of whom claim to be “attracted to guys who’re good with kids.” Elie Wurtzel, a teacher from Pittsburgh, PA, recalls his first experience with harassment. “She would stare at me through the window on the classroom door while I was teaching 7th Grade Civics. One time, she cornered me in the teachers’ lounge and said she ‘couldn’t resist sensitive guys like me.’ It was really uncomfortable.”

The DONGs are strongly committed to reducing such harassment. “Female teachers see men as a threat to their power,” Carmichaels told readme. “Unfortunately, the solution is often to sexually abuse men and treat men like sexual objects to ensure they ‘know their place’ in the school pecking order.” Carmichaels acknowledges that he himself has been the victim of harassment at his school, whose teachers are 85% female. “It’s frustrating,” he stated, “these women are like 5’s, maybe 6’s, at best. They need to understand that I’m not interested in hitting that.” Another DONG who spoke to readme described his female co-workers as “a bunch of chubsters” who he “wouldn’t bang unless [he] was really fucked up.” Our conversation with male teachers also revealed that “good ass” is difficult to find at most schools. “It’s like they’re trying to be super ugly,” said Wurtzel. “I hope that we can change that.”

Police Body Cameras Fail to Capture Certain Issues

Policepersons across the United States will soon be required to wear body cameras while responding to incidents. Groups everywhere, from the A.C.L.U. to the Justice Department, are excited about the new procedures, as they will increase accountability and ensure clear evidence of incident response. Unfortunately, agreeing on how amazing something is is boring, so readme went out to find the unspoken downsides. It turns out that the downsides are unspoken for a reason; very few people speak them. But readme found some nonetheless!

“I’ve been watching shaky, personal recordings of citizens yelling about their rights to cops for years,” said one neckbearded respondent. “I just can’t handle high-quality, voluntary, publicly available recordings made by cops. It doesn’t make sense.” And newly hired data processor Colin Sick has been stressed since he began work. “It’s hours upon hours of cars passing. Sometimes I see the numbers in my sleep, neverending: 60, 61, 60, 60, 56, 60, 62…” Mr. Sick then went into a trance. readme took the chance to remove cash from his wallet and then run away.

There are potential upsides, however. Google has been working with Pittsburgh police to try to add Glass support to the “above-ear” camera models. Engineer Al Jabra explained: “Imagine you’re in a high-speed chase. With a mere ‘Okay, Glass,’ you would be able to find nearby gas stations or restaurants the suspect might want to stop at. Alternatively, you could tell stop-and-frisk victims interesting facts about their surroundings.”

One policewoman was incredibly enthusiastic about the change. “I’ve decided to go for full immersion,” said Patty O’Wagon. “I’m taking film classes at a local college and have decided to make my experience my final project, titled ‘8760 Hours.’ It’ll be available online, uncensored; I felt that detraction from real life through editing would risk the audience’s comprehension.” The film has been pre-emptively entered into the Museum of Modern Art’s permanent collection.

But no matter how beneficial these cameras may be, one downside will never be removed: their lens caps. “The $@%# things won’t come off!” said Chief Paine Suffring. “We’ve tried duct tape, elbow grease, knee grease, and those rubber circle things you get at supermarkets.” Hopefully manufacturers will address this potentially devastating issue before the body cameras are used by policepersons across the United States. Oh, that’s already happening? Oops.

How To: Freedom of Speech

Free speech is hard, you guys. Sure, people say we can say whatever we want, but every time I yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded movie theater, I somehow get arrested. And it’s like, come on guys, that was obviously performance art. Get off my back.

The point is, sometimes it’s tough figuring out what you can and cannot say. Thankfully, readme has put together a guide on the rules of free speech, helpfully provided by lawmakers, political pundits, and those people who hang out on Fox News message boards:

Free Speech: Companies hiring CEOs who donate money to anti-gay lobbyists.

Not Free Speech: Companies asking people to boycott companies whose CEOs donate to anti-gay lobbyists.

Free Speech: Calling a federal official “a witless off-brand Pippi Longstocking.”

Not Free Speech: Calling Bill O’Reilly bad at his job.

Free Speech: Teaching children about creationism.

Not Free Speech: Teaching teenagers about safe sex.

Free Speech: Doctors giving women (false) information about how their abortions will hurt them.

Not Free Speech: Doctors suggesting people lock up their guns so kids won’t shoot themselves.

Free Speech: Religious groups protesting funerals of gay veterans.

Not Free Speech: Unions protesting low wages.

Free Speech: Straight-up lying about political opponents.

Not Free Speech: Nonviolent protest.

Free Speech: Money.

Not Free Speech: Actual speech.

CulinArt Offers Bold, Old Plan for Meals

Pictured: CulinArt's ideal customer

Pictured: CulinArt’s ideal customer

In a new move meant to reward students using the block system, CulinArt at CMU is to begin giving out a complementary set of dentures with every meal. For those students somehow in full possession of their dental faculties, alternative prizes include old issues of National Geographic, copies of the 1962 Farmer’s Almanac, spare doilies, and beginner’s crochet kits.

 

“We’ve got all these students signing up for all these senior citizen eating times,” said an anonymous supervisor at Skibo Cafe. “I’m sure they’ll love these matching accessories.”

 

Many students surveyed by readme staff seem to agree, and can be seen out on campus decked out with these doddering decorations. Several environmental science majors have reported many enjoyable hours spent studying National Geographic. Both CFA majors and the English department have reported a high satisfaction with the crochet kits, citing “major increases in procrastination efficiency and productivity,” according to a Philosophy and Creative Writing major who wishes to stay anonymous to potential employers.

 

Senior members of the CMU academic community have applauded the venture. “Even though we don’t actually pay for or use blocks – because, I mean, who would?” said Seymour Citisen, associate professor of history. “But it’s nice to see that more students are being encouraged to follow an elderly lifestyle.” According to many older staff, eating after seven A.M. is far too late, and dinners after six are disruptive to the digestive system. “Early to bed and early to rise,” said Citisen. “You know the rest.”

 

CulinArt employees have also hinted at plans for different shapes, sizes, flavors and colors for distributed dentures, but no claims have yet been substantiated. Suggestions of replacing “lunch” blocks with “tea-time” and offering mushy potatoes-and-peas casserole at the Exchange in place of its normal menu have been met with widespread approval. CulinArt managers, however, have so far given no indication as to their next innovative ideas.

 

“We like to mix things up,” said the anonymous Skibo employee. “Keep things interesting, you know? But not too interesting.”

 

Some students do disagree with this plan, calling the distribution of dentures “insulting” and the meal scheduling times “ridiculous.”

 

“We already get up later, stay up later, stay up longer than older people,” said undeclared freshman Nue Too Schuel. “We need better dining hours. It’s ridiculous to expect us to have had a full dinner by 8 when we might just be getting out of class then. And what’s the point of giving these dentures out? Spend the money somewhere useful, like buying more cashiers at Resnik Servery.”

 

In response, Professor Citisen had this to say: “The problem isn’t the eating times. It’s that people are still using the dining plan at all. So suck it up, nerds.”