CMU Pledges to Protect All Students (from the Law)

In December The American Civil Liberties Union (better known by its acronym: the ACLU) filed a complaint against Carnegie Mellon  for failing to  take  the appropriate measures to ensure the safety of a student  after “her abusive ex-girlfriend violated its sexual assault policy”. 

More recently, the U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights (OCR) put out a list of universities and colleges that are under investigation for violating sexual assault and harassment policies. That list includes our fine school. 

readme was so surprised to realize that CMU had been mishandling these issues. Filing a complaint with the university has always been so easy, and the university has been so attentive to making sure complaints are addressed quickly and thoroughly, like last year when in response to growing concerns about the mental well-being of the student body, the administration after months of deliberation agreed to open CAPS for a whole extra hour each day.

CMU was added to the OCR’s list presumably as a direct result of the ACLU complaint. Shortly after the student broke off her relationship with the girl who had sexually assaulted her several times, she went to Carnegie Mellon’s administration which orchestrated a “university-mediated agreement to end contact except when needed for academic purposes.” 

The contract seemed to have little to no effect since the ex-girlfriend moved in across the hall from the student shortly thereafter. The student filed a complaint with the CMU police who took no particular action beyond notifying the ex-girlfriend of the complaint.

“We don’t understand what this complaint is about,” said an unnamed university official. “We had them fill out the contract.”

When readme pointed out that the contract had about as little effect as those roommate contract they make you fill out freshmen year, the official responded, “Exactly! When someone stays up later that they said they would on their contract we don’t kick them out of school!”

After it was determined that the ex-girlfriend “had violated the University’s sexual assault policy”, CMU graciously allowed the no-contact agreement to stand with the addition of counseling for the ex-girlfriend. 


“The ex-girlfriend is clearly a troubled soul,” reasoned the official. “It isn’t Carnegie Mellon’s policy to destroyed a student’s life based on the only somewhat-very-confirmed allegations of another.” 


The two girls remained in most of the same activities and the student who had filed the complaint withdrew from much of her campus involvement in order to protect herself.


“Essentially,” continued the official, “what we’re saying is that we don’t trust the students enough to believe that they know when they’re suffering. We’ll be the judge of that.”


He then announced that the university would be releasing a set of online Frequent Crying Evaluations to help the administration receive a comprehensive, non-biased review of the levels of suffering faced by students at the university. “Because nobody would ever lie on those, right?”

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