Single Politician Seeks Good Presidency

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Well, folks, it’s 2014 and according to the math majors we know, that means it’s two whole years until the 2016 elections. But readme knows it’s never too early to obsess over elections, so we’ve taken the liberty of looking at some of the maybe-kinda-hopefully-hopefuls across the political spectrum and writing down the strangest real things people think we need to know about our potential Presidents. And, really, who wouldn’t vote for:

• “an eccentric former geologist”

• “the charismatic technocrat”

•“Mr. No, as he was known”

• “‘Super PACman’”

• “former basketball referee”

• “a perfect example of the 2010 Supreme Court Citizens United ruling gone awry”

• “a man with no political background”

• “social and fiscal conservative maverick” (ed: MAVERICK! TAKE A SHOT!!!)

• “both folksy and blunt”

• “fondly remembered for campaigning on the back of a pickup truck”

• “once dreamed about being a concert pianist”

• “gained instant national attention in 2012 after making comical faces at Mitch McConnell”

• “triggered a wave of controversy that forced a recall election in his second year in office”

• “[has a] speaking style at times eerily similar to Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone”

•“boyish good looks, long hair, and easy charm”

•“once famously stamped Republican bills with a red-hot branding iron”

• “there were some who predicted the end of his political career following his drunk driving conviction in 1993”

• “ex-president of Simplot, the French fries giant”

• “noted for his formidable oratory skill” (this one isn’t all that strange, except for the part where they’re saying this about Ted Cruz)

• “a self-described ‘common’ and ‘normal’ person”

• “an Anti-Globalist who has traveled the globe”

and

• “a textbook libertarian”

Funny? Not Funny?

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