Since early February reports of a Comcast and Time Warner Cable merger have emer… surfaced, a proposition that drew flak from those who actually use the internet. But such users are simply, as is known online, being a bunch of ogres. readme is an web-savvy paper whose Facebook know-how and wordpress presence (#cmureadme.wordpress.com #@4:20, trend it!) gives it the inside scoop on why Comcast and TWC’s merger is wonderful.
First and foremost, nerds everywhere claim that Comcast will only further dominate an already competition-bare market, creating no incentive for the near-monopoly to care any more for its consumers’ needs and desires than it already does. They point to Comcast’s track record of cheating customers by limiting bandwidth while raising prices, as if history were any reliable indication of the future. And adding insult to injury, these irate consumers are ignoring Comcast’s voicemails, in which the company insists that they “try and work things out baby, I know I was wrong, I fucked up, I get it, but that was then and this is now, can’t we just start all over again?” In readme’s eyes, this is a fair estimation of the situation. That was, in fact, then; independent reports confirm that this is, indeed, now. In other words, the best solution to infidelity is to forget and forgive the offending act, then turn the whole thing into a ménage à trois as per the request of the cheater.
Surprisingly enough, angry internet gnomes aren’t the only party to surface with sordid tales of scandal involving Comcast. An anonymous video streaming service has come forth to tell its story in “Red Tape and Red Box Nights”, a tell-all documentary now available on Netflix. The film reveals another depth to the double life that Comcast was leading. Even as it cheated its customers with substandard service for trumped up prices, it played the field by adding other companies like “Red Box”s protagonist to its list of victims; Comcast denied the streaming company any additional bandwidth unless the company paid for Comcast’s dinner and business school debt.
In fact, readme would like to retract any and all previous opinions defending Comcast and TWC’s merger in any way shape or form. While creating this article, readme had tried to stream the latest episode of The Walking Dead, and found only lag-erific, shitty quality freeze frames. Comcast, you don’t fuck with readme’s shows. Hell hath no fury like a newspaper blue-balled.