There are Protesters in Venezuela too, Guys!


People lining up around supermarket for price-capped goods–fucking pinkos.

Perhaps you’ve heard about the protests in Ukraine (if not, we’ve got you covered). But maybe you’ve missed out on the civil unrest in Thailand, Bosnia, Guinea, or Venezuela. Or have you forgotten about the civil war in Syria?

It’s okay, most of those protests are just brown people, whereas the Ukraine crisis plays out one of our most beloved stories: democracy and freedom and everything good resisting in the face of godless communist evil.

In Venezuela, they’re all socialists, which are almost as bad as communists. They’re protesting the shortage of basic goods, including flour, water, and toilet paper. Many blame the shortages on the price controls and economic mismanagement, but that’s what they get for being pinkos.

Now it’s degraded to protesting for the sake of protesting, because the late Chavez’s successor got a little jumpy with the students burning tires, throwing molotovs, and so on, and so he shut them down with an iron fist. Protesters are going out and building barricades daily, and the government clears them out by the next morning. Hey, job creation.

Carnival found the Latin American country still in the throes of unrest, but even the biggest party of the year couldn’t resolve the differences. The government urged citizens to go to beaches and extended the dates, while posting pictures of happy citizens enjoying Carnival on social media, whereas protesters promoted staying home and continuing opposition, posting pictures of empty beaches.

A few stars at the Oscars gave shout-outs to the anti-government side, which were taken to heart. The Bipolar Capybara, Venezuela’s own satirical newspaper, spoke the truth when it claimed that the future of the country depended on a few tweets by rich and famous American stars.

So remember, when your eyes are glued to the Ukrainian crisis for the next three days when it’s in the news, before something else overtakes it, that there are brown people who are refusing to go to the beach without toilet paper, and they getting beaten and shot for it.

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