Student Explains Ukrainian Crisis

Map-of-Crimea

That Ballsack-shaped thing.

So there’s shit going down in the Ukraine. readme spoke to Matthew Swivet, a guy on campus yesterday who was hustling home with a box full of canned tuna, bottles of water and a geiger counter stolen from one of the Physics labs. Swivet agreed to talk to readme provided it be in his makeshift bunker in the bottom of Wean. Once arrives, Swivet began to explain the crisis in detail:

“The Ukraine is a pretty ballin’ place.” He said, pulling a green gas mask over his head. “Back in the last Cold War they was like “Oh man. We gotta be our own damn nation. “ which was pretty cool of them. So the USSR went to shit and Ukraine was a thing and so was Russia and, like,  Ukraine was cool with the US and shit.” explained Swivet while putting on an old vinyl record  of the Beatles’ “Back in the USSR”.“‘Cept they ate up this little place called Crimea–which is this little ballsack-like-thing poking into the Black Sea” he said, pointing to the tattered world map pasted to the wall with camo-patterned duct-tape.

“So Crimea’s got all these kinda Russian people and all these kinda Ukranian people and all the kinda-Russian people were like “Yo, man, dat ain’t cool” when the Ukraine was like “Hey ‘sup you can only speak Ukrainian now. No Russian for you.” and they been protesting and shit and, like, the Ukrainian government don’t know how to deal. They being all like “hey let’s send some rich dudes in to govern” and Russia is all like “no man. Crimea be Russian.” and like, that ain’t cool either.’” Explained Swivet as he piled the canned tuna on the wire racks of his new abode.

“So then the Russians invaded Crimea, which like, wasn’t cool. Some shit about how you can’t invade a sovereign nation. But like, you know, those Russians in Crimea kinda got a point to. So like. I dunno, man.” He shrugged as he placed a gallon of distilled water on the shelf alongside what looked like a lead helmet. “But the U.S. was all like, “hey, man, that ain’t cool.” anyway and told that Putin guy they couldn’t do that shit. And Putin was like, “get out my face, man” and kept goin’. There’s like 60-kay guys over there. And Obama was like “Dude you do this shit you can’t have the G8 meeting thing later” which i dunno what that means , man, but like, we’re probably gonna have another cold war, man, at least according to Fox and I’m gonna be prepared as fuck. I mean that’s gotta be pretty damn serious. Obama wouldn’t even boycott the Olympics for the gays. I mean ice skating versus that shit, man.” Just then, a rather haggard looking janitor came in, glaring at readme and its well-prepared fellow.

“The fuck you doing down here.” demanded the put-upon woman.

“Oh, shit.” exclaimed Swivet as readme swiftly climbed out the low window above the wire racks. “ I’ll give you some of my tuna if you don’t tell Suresh. You’ll need it in when the nuclear winter starts.”

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