‘Murica: Save Money Buy Tanks

‘Murica. We all know what that means, right? Eagles flying about with M16s and .50 cals. But Chuck Hagel, traitor to the ‘Murican people, wants to neuter our eagles and spay our guns. In a world more dangerous than ever before, our military-industrial complex needs the assurance that ‘Murica has got its back.


Nothing is more patriotic than the American military has grown, and now Hagel is taking a cleaver to the country’s most profitable industry. He wants to cut the jobs of over 120,000 Army personnel, taking the Army down to pre-WWII numbers. Nevermind the fact that we now have an entirely separate Air Force and numerous technologies that were lacking in the 1940s, including nuclear weapons, drones, and the F-35, a multi-purpose aircraft that costs a bajillion dollars and won’t operational for another few years, barring any major setbacks (military producers hold it up as an exemplary standard of money-making).


Not to mention, the Founding Fathers would never have wanted the military to be treated this way. George Washington, James Madison, and Paul Revere are all well-known for promoting standing armies. Paul Revere was a silversmith, and is considered the father of the military-industrial complex: why else do you think flag-toppers are so often silver eagles, or where all the medals came from?


Dwight D. Eisenhower, a military general and president of ‘Murica after WWII ran on the slogan “I Like Ike (and an expensive airstrike).” He declared that, “In the councils of government, we must promote the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.” Recently, even though the military explicitly told Congress that more tanks were no longer needed, that did not deter Congressmen who were dead-set on providing jobs to their districts. They also provided jobs in the scrap yards where the tanks were then immediately sent. Ike would be proud.


Chuck Hagel is cutting ‘Murica’s lifeblood, even though our military still costs more than the next ten nations combined after the cuts (but what if we want to fight eleven countries at once!). Despite winding down our last war by the end of 2014, we need to continue growing the military at an exponential rate. America has been at war almost half as long as many of us have been alive. How can we even fathom a military without an almost unlimited spending budget? There is no safety without a ridiculous amount of bullets and guns and tanks and shit. ‘Murica.

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