Give Comcast a Chance Why Dont You

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Since early February reports of a Comcast and Time Warner Cable merger have emer… surfaced, a proposition that drew flak from those who actually use the internet. But such users are simply, as is known online, being a bunch of ogres. readme is an web-savvy paper whose Facebook know-how and wordpress presence (#cmureadme.wordpress.com #@4:20, trend it!) gives it the inside scoop on why Comcast and TWC’s merger is wonderful.

First and foremost, nerds everywhere claim that Comcast will only further dominate an already competition-bare market, creating no incentive for the near-monopoly to care any more for its consumers’ needs and desires than it already does. They point to Comcast’s track record of cheating customers by limiting bandwidth while raising prices, as if history were any reliable indication of the future. And adding insult to injury, these irate consumers are ignoring Comcast’s voicemails, in which the company insists that they “try and work things out baby, I know I was wrong, I fucked up, I get it, but that was then and this is now, can’t we just start all over again?” In readme’s eyes, this is a fair estimation of the situation. That was, in fact, then; independent reports confirm that this is, indeed, now. In other words, the best solution to infidelity is to forget and forgive the offending act, then turn the whole thing into a ménage à trois as per the request of the cheater.

Surprisingly enough, angry internet gnomes aren’t the only party to surface with sordid tales of scandal involving Comcast. An anonymous video streaming service has come forth to tell its story in “Red Tape and Red Box Nights”, a tell-all documentary now available on Netflix. The film reveals another depth to the double life that Comcast was leading. Even as it cheated its customers with substandard service for trumped up prices, it played the field by adding other companies like “Red Box”s protagonist to its list of victims; Comcast denied the streaming company any additional bandwidth unless the company paid for Comcast’s dinner and business school debt.

In fact, readme would like to retract any and all previous opinions defending Comcast and TWC’s merger in any way shape or form. While creating this article, readme had tried to stream the latest episode of The Walking Dead, and found only lag-erific, shitty quality freeze frames. Comcast, you don’t fuck with readme’s shows. Hell hath no fury like a newspaper blue-balled.

Report: Google and Apple Not Very Good at Wage Fixing

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This is old news though it might surprise any number of people including those running major news publications across the country. Google and Apple (and allegedly several other big-name companies like Adobe, Ebay, Pixar, Intel, Intuit and Microsoft) artificially kept the wages of somewhere around a hundred thousand of their workers lower by agreeing to an under-the-table, unofficial no-hire arrangement wherein they would not seek to hire each others’ employees.This meant that the employees were not as competitive and could not get a better deal at a different company of the same stature.

All this information is available at readme’s fingertips, leading it to wonder if this all is some bizarre act of reverse psychology. The specific agreement in question between Apple and Google took place back in early 2005 and has since been largely ignored by consumers and corporations alike until recently when news of the lawsuit actually finally happening (wow) came to light.

The evidence of this reverse psychology goes deeper as the picture painted by the ever-increasing number of facts grows and that picture paints Steve Jobs wearing a pair of darkly colored goggles, a teardrop tattoo under one eye in black ink and sporting a Hitler-esque mustache.

Jobs was allegedly the center of the plot to enforce the no-hire rule. He strong-armed Adobe into joining the deal, responding to Adobe’s hiring some of his lower-level employees, “OK, I’ll tell our recruiters they are free to approach any Adobe employee who is not a Sr. Director or VP. Am I understanding your position correctly?” all whilst twiddling with his mustache and tying inDesign to a railroad track.

Really this should not have come as a surprise to anyone. I mean his name is Jobs. Steve Jobs. Like the supervillain “Steal Jobs”? Come one guys. This guy was worse at hiding it than Superman with his tiny glasses.

And this leads readme back to the reverse psychology thing. Google knew that it would be implicitly guilty for the crimes, even though Steal Jobs seems to be the instigator. Maybe it thinks that by remaining honest and allowing this information on its servers it would maintain some trust with its users, and be painted as the underdog startup it would still kind of like to be.

All the ruckus leaves readme to contemplate how the (old) scandal will affect Carnegie Mellon in the coming weeks and years. How will the companies know who’s been hired by who? How will we all get hired if Google thinks Apple owns our asses?

List: Things googled during readme offices

Seductive Bears

Phallic bears

Phallic names

Purple dildo

Guy in riot gear

Sad Leonardo DiCaprio

Drugs

“what is an ukraine”

Feminist Porn Star

Prison basketball

Obama

Random things to fill out lists

Emo hair

Bill Nye’s back

That one picture of rick perry and the corndog

Fred Phelps nude

The Onion writer’s manual

Creepy Andrew Carnegie

Flooded basements

Sad man

NSA red flag words

Vending machine disguise Japan

Pregnant woman host

Obama

Euphemisms for newspaper

Sad puppy commercials

Local Man Explains Mansplaining

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readme recently spoke to local man Harry O’Toole who decided it was his manifest destiny to put some things straight (or gay, as the case may be) concerned readme’s perceptions of life, the universe and everything.

O’Toole and readme were deep in a conversation about gender and sexuality (which O’Toole assured readme were actually the same thing) when O’Toole cleared things up for readme.

“You can’t be genderqueer! You have the genitalia of a newspaper, not a magazine!” he laughed, patting readme on the advertisements.

readme defended that its gender had always been not-so-much part of its identity. It even affected its textuality. readme vividly recalled to O’Toole the day when some Tartan messengers had (accidentally) placed a copy of the Tartan on top of readme in the rack. “smelling her, pressed up to her page to page” readme sighed, “was a revelation. I’m bitextual.”

“Not bitextual, just closeted.” corrected O’Toole, “Bitextuality doesn’t exist.”

“But what about that book-up with The Cut last year?” asked readme, confused.

“That was at a publishing party” O’Toole consoled, “it doesn’t count.”

readme rubbed its tagline, mentally exhausted. O’Toole continued. “Textuality is black and white. Just like your pages!”

“But I also have all this grey area! See?” said readme, pulling itself open to page two where there was a grayscale picture of a very furry bear.

“Oh God!” cried O’Toole. “I didn’t need to see that!”

readme closed its pages, ashamed. “I know my printing is low quality.” it mumbled.

“Oh, sweetie-paper, we can’t all be printed on photo paper.” O’Toole comforted, putting an arm around readme’s advertisements.

readme rolled itself into a tube. “Wait. Are you sure about all of this? I think I’ve heard of what you’re doing from Jezebel last time she game around to make fun of Lena Dunham with me. It’s called…uh…mansplaining?”

“Oh, readme, small new outlet…mansplaining has to be baseless and has to dismiss the possibility of its receiver having any intelligence or agency of its own. Plus it has to be done to a woman and, as we’ve established, you have the genetalia of a newspaper.”

Single Politician Seeks Good Presidency

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Well, folks, it’s 2014 and according to the math majors we know, that means it’s two whole years until the 2016 elections. But readme knows it’s never too early to obsess over elections, so we’ve taken the liberty of looking at some of the maybe-kinda-hopefully-hopefuls across the political spectrum and writing down the strangest real things people think we need to know about our potential Presidents. And, really, who wouldn’t vote for:

• “an eccentric former geologist”

• “the charismatic technocrat”

•“Mr. No, as he was known”

• “‘Super PACman’”

• “former basketball referee”

• “a perfect example of the 2010 Supreme Court Citizens United ruling gone awry”

• “a man with no political background”

• “social and fiscal conservative maverick” (ed: MAVERICK! TAKE A SHOT!!!)

• “both folksy and blunt”

• “fondly remembered for campaigning on the back of a pickup truck”

• “once dreamed about being a concert pianist”

• “gained instant national attention in 2012 after making comical faces at Mitch McConnell”

• “triggered a wave of controversy that forced a recall election in his second year in office”

• “[has a] speaking style at times eerily similar to Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone”

•“boyish good looks, long hair, and easy charm”

•“once famously stamped Republican bills with a red-hot branding iron”

• “there were some who predicted the end of his political career following his drunk driving conviction in 1993”

• “ex-president of Simplot, the French fries giant”

• “noted for his formidable oratory skill” (this one isn’t all that strange, except for the part where they’re saying this about Ted Cruz)

• “a self-described ‘common’ and ‘normal’ person”

• “an Anti-Globalist who has traveled the globe”

and

• “a textbook libertarian”

Make our students take real (fake) history

It’s getting hard to keep track of all the un-American things that are destroying our country. There’s gay marriage, Obama, minimum wage, contraceptives, foreign cars, pretty much any form of social media more advanced than two tin cans and a piece of string, paper money, the existence of non-Christians, and Obama. But co-director of the Institute of Studies of Religion Rodney Stark has identified another harbinger of America’s destruction: the lack of emphasis on historical knowledge in our education system.

College students these days, Stark asserts, are graduating with little to no knowledge of world history. Worse than that, they’re graduating with no knowledge of American history. Instead, colleges and high schools are allowing students to fulfill American history requirements with thoroughly irrelevant courses like “History of Mexicans in the U.S”, “Mexican-American Women, 1910-present”, and “The United States and Africa”. Yeah, readme can’t see any way those classes could have anything to do with America or history at all.

More than that, though, these classes teach our children the “poisonous lies” that white people didn’t actually invent everything worth inventing, that foreign cultures were just as sophisticated as their European counterparts, and that America is maybe kind of not entirely perfect. For instance, Stark says, some such classes claim that the ancient Greeks stole much of their culture from black Egyptians, which he points out is impossible because apparently there weren’t any powerful black people in ancient Egypt. Um. Besides, he adds, Herodotus made it quite clear that the Egyptian culture was far inferior to that of the Greeks anyways, and it’s not like that that ancient Greek historian could possibly be biased toward ancient Greece or anything.

Next on his bizarre homage to Mythbusters, Stark tackled the “myth” that Europe became fabulously wealthy through uneven trade with its foreign colonies. While true on a ‘real’, ‘actual’ level, Stark points out that Europeans as a whole didn’t actually benefit from trade with colonies. After all, the average Brit had to pay taxes to cover the costs that made the hideous violation of native rights that was the colonial system possible, while only a few British folks actually profited in ludicrous droves. Well, now readme just feels silly; obviously, it doesn’t count as theft if only a few people profit from it!

Clearly, Stark concludes, our nation faces a crisis. If we as a country are ever to once again reach the great heights that, according to his conception of history, we never left, we will have to make sure our students learn “the basics of American and world history”—that is to say, the parts of American and world history that won’t shatter Stark’s precious worldview that no society has ever in any way been more advanced than America or its ideological predecessors and that only educated white men have ever done anything of historical note. You know. The basics.

readme will say this much for Stark: he’s certainly convinced us that some Americans have a stunning lack of knowledge of world history. We really ought to consider adding a mandatory course to our history curriculum so people like that will have the knowledge they need to function in our society. We could call it ‘The World Does Not Revolve Around You: A History’.

There are Protesters in Venezuela too, Guys!

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People lining up around supermarket for price-capped goods–fucking pinkos.

Perhaps you’ve heard about the protests in Ukraine (if not, we’ve got you covered). But maybe you’ve missed out on the civil unrest in Thailand, Bosnia, Guinea, or Venezuela. Or have you forgotten about the civil war in Syria?

It’s okay, most of those protests are just brown people, whereas the Ukraine crisis plays out one of our most beloved stories: democracy and freedom and everything good resisting in the face of godless communist evil.

In Venezuela, they’re all socialists, which are almost as bad as communists. They’re protesting the shortage of basic goods, including flour, water, and toilet paper. Many blame the shortages on the price controls and economic mismanagement, but that’s what they get for being pinkos.

Now it’s degraded to protesting for the sake of protesting, because the late Chavez’s successor got a little jumpy with the students burning tires, throwing molotovs, and so on, and so he shut them down with an iron fist. Protesters are going out and building barricades daily, and the government clears them out by the next morning. Hey, job creation.

Carnival found the Latin American country still in the throes of unrest, but even the biggest party of the year couldn’t resolve the differences. The government urged citizens to go to beaches and extended the dates, while posting pictures of happy citizens enjoying Carnival on social media, whereas protesters promoted staying home and continuing opposition, posting pictures of empty beaches.

A few stars at the Oscars gave shout-outs to the anti-government side, which were taken to heart. The Bipolar Capybara, Venezuela’s own satirical newspaper, spoke the truth when it claimed that the future of the country depended on a few tweets by rich and famous American stars.

So remember, when your eyes are glued to the Ukrainian crisis for the next three days when it’s in the news, before something else overtakes it, that there are brown people who are refusing to go to the beach without toilet paper, and they getting beaten and shot for it.

Student Explains Ukrainian Crisis

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That Ballsack-shaped thing.

So there’s shit going down in the Ukraine. readme spoke to Matthew Swivet, a guy on campus yesterday who was hustling home with a box full of canned tuna, bottles of water and a geiger counter stolen from one of the Physics labs. Swivet agreed to talk to readme provided it be in his makeshift bunker in the bottom of Wean. Once arrives, Swivet began to explain the crisis in detail:

“The Ukraine is a pretty ballin’ place.” He said, pulling a green gas mask over his head. “Back in the last Cold War they was like “Oh man. We gotta be our own damn nation. “ which was pretty cool of them. So the USSR went to shit and Ukraine was a thing and so was Russia and, like,  Ukraine was cool with the US and shit.” explained Swivet while putting on an old vinyl record  of the Beatles’ “Back in the USSR”.“‘Cept they ate up this little place called Crimea–which is this little ballsack-like-thing poking into the Black Sea” he said, pointing to the tattered world map pasted to the wall with camo-patterned duct-tape.

“So Crimea’s got all these kinda Russian people and all these kinda Ukranian people and all the kinda-Russian people were like “Yo, man, dat ain’t cool” when the Ukraine was like “Hey ‘sup you can only speak Ukrainian now. No Russian for you.” and they been protesting and shit and, like, the Ukrainian government don’t know how to deal. They being all like “hey let’s send some rich dudes in to govern” and Russia is all like “no man. Crimea be Russian.” and like, that ain’t cool either.’” Explained Swivet as he piled the canned tuna on the wire racks of his new abode.

“So then the Russians invaded Crimea, which like, wasn’t cool. Some shit about how you can’t invade a sovereign nation. But like, you know, those Russians in Crimea kinda got a point to. So like. I dunno, man.” He shrugged as he placed a gallon of distilled water on the shelf alongside what looked like a lead helmet. “But the U.S. was all like, “hey, man, that ain’t cool.” anyway and told that Putin guy they couldn’t do that shit. And Putin was like, “get out my face, man” and kept goin’. There’s like 60-kay guys over there. And Obama was like “Dude you do this shit you can’t have the G8 meeting thing later” which i dunno what that means , man, but like, we’re probably gonna have another cold war, man, at least according to Fox and I’m gonna be prepared as fuck. I mean that’s gotta be pretty damn serious. Obama wouldn’t even boycott the Olympics for the gays. I mean ice skating versus that shit, man.” Just then, a rather haggard looking janitor came in, glaring at readme and its well-prepared fellow.

“The fuck you doing down here.” demanded the put-upon woman.

“Oh, shit.” exclaimed Swivet as readme swiftly climbed out the low window above the wire racks. “ I’ll give you some of my tuna if you don’t tell Suresh. You’ll need it in when the nuclear winter starts.”

El Chapo – Back From Retirement

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El Chapo enjoying a day out on the court

Tensions are running high this week between Mexico and the United States as they battle to acquire star prison basketball player Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán. Guzmán, a “Michael Jordan” of sorts to basketball teams in maximum security prisons, was a domineering presence both on and off the courts, earned through his brutal foul plays. It was for this notoriety that Guzmán became an essential asset for any roster in the prison basketball scene, a sport where the playoffs usually end in riots and shankings are just another reason to bench a player.

Guzmán broke into the prisonball world in 1993 when he was discovered among minor leaguers in Guatemala. From there, recruiters brought him in as fresh blood for the struggling Altiplano team in Almoloya de Juarez, Mexico. During his six year contract, El Chapo went on to win four “Máxima Seguridad, Máxima Baloncesto” titles for his Altiplano team, the last of which they famously won when the entire opposing team mysteriously broke their legs before the playoffs. It was a feat that no cartel leaders in Mexico’s maximum security prison system had ever matched. But like a candle burning twice as bright, the drug lord’s illustrious career was cut short; in 2001 Guzmán announced his retirement from prisonball by escaping prison.

Now, fans everywhere can to witness Guzmán’s rebirth in the chain-linked courtyards. At 6:40 a.m. on February 22nd, 2014, Guzmán appeared suddenly out of retirement to hold an impromptu press conference at his hotel in Mazaltán, Sinaloa. There, he informed Mexican authorities that he would be coming back to the big stage – this time as a free agent for any and all maximum security prison teams.

Almost instantly after his announcement, offers started clamouring in from all sides – most of all from United States’ prisons, whose jail cells still sharply feel the sting of Guzmán’s work. Maximum security prisons in Florida, San Diego, New York, Texas, and Chicago have all made offers for long term contracts with the prisonball star. While nothing has been made concrete, the general consensus among American prison teams is clear: El Chapo should not be wasting his talents on a local level, where a more lax prisonball scene might coax the famed veteran back into retirement. Of course, there are interested parties on all sides. Guzmán’s friends in the Sinaloa cartel have expressed concern for the prisonball star’s health, suggesting that Guzmán would be better off retiring for good and enjoying his various hobbies instead.