Sochi Olympics Unify Civilized Nations

Well, it’s that time again, folks. Time for all countries in the world to unite in the spirit of competition and see who can find the juiciest scandal within the morass of the Sochi Winter Olympics.

The furor began months before the games, due to Russia’s recently implemented anti-gay laws. What exactly counts as “propaganda of non-traditional sexual relationships”? Does the Germans’ rainbow gear promote non-traditional sexual relations? Should Google be fined for it’s gay pride logo on the opening day? Am I allowed to wear my tie-dye?

Speaking of opening day, that ceremony was awesome. My favorite part was when the snowflakes came down and opened up into the Olympic symbol– oh wait, one didn’t open. They were the almost-Olympic rings, with an asterisk. The footnote could have read: “Work in Progress.”

The rest of the ceremony went well though. Except for the bit at the end, where Irina Rodnina lit the Olympic flame. Late last year, she tweeted a (photoshopped) picture of Obama chewing while a banana was offered. There is something about African Americans and bananas that just doesn’t sit right.

Few reports have made it out as to how the games are actually going. Half the reporters sent to Sochi have been unintentionally locked into their bathrooms/bedrooms/hotels, and don’t have the bobsled training that allowed American athlete Johnny Quinn to break free. The other half are having trouble with stray dogs, which are hurriedly rushed out of sight before being given the “drinking” water.

Those reports we do get seem to be confused. “Well, I was sent under the impression that this was the winter Olympics, but maybe water-skiing is a new addition to the summer games?” one reporter remarked, sunbathing underneath a palm tree before the anti-gay police told him to put his shirt back on. The temperature has consistently been in the fifties and sixties, threatening the integrity of the snow and ice that are maybe just a little bit necessary for the events.

For most of the world, the Olympic Games give us a chance to join together in unison and gossip about whatever scandals come up. However, it is important to keep in mind that these issues that are laughable in the United States are just daily life in Russia. After the Olympics are done and gone, there will still be anti-gay laws. There will still be half-finished hotels and unclean water. The stray dogs will come back, or be killed, after the increased scrutiny is removed. And the dysfunctional government, run by strong-man Putin, will still be more worried about things like putting on the most expensive games in history instead of fixing any actual problems.

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