Don’t Discriminate: Discriminate

The Kansas House recently passed a bill granting both federal and private employees the right to refuse services to same-sex couples on the grounds of religious freedom. For some reason, many saw this as an attack on LGBT individuals in the state, particularly since this means gay couples would be dependent on the discretion of individual federal employees involved to receive benefits granted automatically to any straight couple. But, as the bill’s staunchest supporter, Kansas State Representative Charles Macheers reassured the House last week, it is actually designed to prevent discrimination, by allowing people free rein to discriminate.
readme will now present the following quote without any alteration whatsoever, because holy fuck we don’t even. “Discrimination is horrible,” Macheers told his fellow representatives. “It’s hurtful…It has no place in civilized society, and that’s precisely why we’re moving this bill.” That…that is the sort of willfully blind hypocrisy that deserves the slowest of slow claps. Satire is over forever, folks. Nothing we ever say can top this.
When Macheers talks about the horrors of ‘discrimination’, he is, of course, referring to the discrimination religious people face for holding views that were “unpopular”. Okay, homophobes, it occurs to readme that you may be suffering under a few misconceptions here. You see, people’s distaste for your beliefs is not some arbitrary thing. It’s not like we all got together one day and decided we were going to gang up on religious homophobes just because they smelled kind of funny and corner them in the bathroom and call them names until they were curled up on the floor sobbing about how they will be a satire paper one day, dammit, and everybody’ll love me and think I’m funny and…uh, sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah: we don’t like homophobia because it pushes the belief that certain people are less worthy of basic human rights like love and marriage and even sometimes safety than others, and that’s fucking dangerous. It has nothing to do with whether or not it’s ‘popular’.
Ultimately, much of the controversy surrounding the bill comes from confusion about what it actually does. Ostensibly, all does is protect employees working in marriage-specific industries from having to contribute in even the slightest way to the union of two loving individuals of the same gender. However, some legal analysts worry that vague wording used in the bill could allow employees to refuse any service that violates their views on marriage. Macheers felt these fears were unfounded, saying that, “We disagree on that. That’s not what it said.” Thankfully, the way individual lawmakers and judges choose to interpret a poorly-worded bill is entirely determined by whether or not Rep. Macheers disagrees with their interpretation, or this bill would be extremely problematic.
Now, for the bill to become law, it must first be passed by the Kansas State Senate. According to Senate President Susan Wagle, it stands very little chance. “My members don’t condone discrimination,” she said, “I believe a majority of my caucus will not support the bill.” Macheers, however, is firm in his belief that the bill discriminates against no one. “It just gives a measure of protection on both sides of the [gay marriage] issue,” he said. “It strikes a balance.” Exactly, you guys. Civil rights issues are all about balance and compromise. If you pass a measure help the oppressed, you have to give something of equal value to the oppressors. That’s how we all become equal, together: by not changing a goddamn thing.

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