The Minimum Wage is Too Damn High

herion meal

One of these things is not like the others. It’s the nuggets. That can’t possibly be food.

Controversy over the minimum wage is nothing new. Recently, however, the debate has been inflamed by President Obama’s push to raise the wage from $7.25 an hour to $10.10 an hour, and a cost of around  $12.71 for hiring a fulltime worker when you include the ObamaCare fees.

Now, the median income in America is  $52,100, far below the average income of $79,000. You’re CMU students, so readme assumes you can do the math and see the inequality there. But still your occupy-wall-street-idiocy and take a deep breath, readme is here to inform you that though workers making the current minimum wage earn around $15,000, about $500 below the federal poverty line for a household of two people, we mustn’t let our misconceptions of the working class get in the way of the profit we need corporations that pay their workers minimum wage to make in order to stimulate our trickle down economy.

One example of such companies is McDonalds, a franchise of which is being investigated in Pittsburgh after a worker was discovered selling herion from her bra along with Happy Meals. I mean that bitch gotta be rich with all that shit. She don’t need no government subsidized laziness.

On top of that, only 2.9 percent of wage earners are paid minimum wage. That’s only about 1.6 million people, many of which are still (forced to be) living with their families, and help to bring those families’ incomes to an average $53,000. Really, raising the minimum wage would not make any significant change to the quality of life for minimum wage earners, most of whom are probably uneducated teenagers.

Well. Half of them are under 25, anyway. And I mean. Two thirds of them are women so. We know how they like to take time off work. So what if most of them have completed at minimum a high school degree? I bet they all got bachelors in Liberal Arts. The only real loss readme can see here is that three-quarters of them are white.

And then there’s the waiters. Hourly waged workers have a set minimum wage of $2.13 an hour. readme found this to be completely reasonable since we all know that waiting staff make a shit ton in tips. Obama aims to increase that wage to $7.07 an hour, putting the 1 percent at risk of only making 26 times the amount of a waiter or waitress.

Together these two minimum wage groups only make up about 4.7 percent of the U.S. population paid by the hour, some 4 million people. That’s not much in proportion to the rest of the country including salaried workers.

Millions workers make just above the minimum wage, between the $7 and $10 lines. Fiscal conservatives argue that the wage is high enough as it is, or makes it increasingly difficult to hire unskilled labor. If the minimum wage is increased, why would companies hire people who didn’t come from upper-middle class white suburban families? Affirmative Action is only for times of profit, guys.

All in all the wage raises would probably only help about 10% of the entire population of the U.S, about 30 million people. And it would harm our trickle down economy. Don’t forget the trickle, guys.

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