While we may deride the media for focusing on sensationalist details like sex and violence over statement of the facts, recent headlines implying that a woman’s sex life was responsible for the deaths of her two sons, rather than the gross negligence involved in her locking them in an overheating car for an hour and a half, have led scientists to a shocking discovery: people die while women have sex.
“People die at a rate of 1.73 deaths per second worldwide. For each of those seconds, you can expect that some woman is having sex somewhere,” explains Dr. Mansplain, a researcher with a PhD in comparative religion. “Looking at the data, it’s alarming how often we the two occur concurrently.” Mansplain is the head of a group of researchers investigating the surprising correlation between female sexuality and death, as chronicled by the headlines of the most reputable news sites like Fox and the Huffington Post. If their data is to be believed, approximately eighty percent of all deaths worldwide occur within twenty-five miles of a woman.
“It’s horrible,” noted the primary funder of the research, billionaire Thurston Oldmoney. “All this death while women have sex. Their male partners, who are of course blameless, would be appalled to know that their unwilling cooperation in women’s sex is leading to massive amounts of death.” The research team itself, however, has hesitated to say definitively that women having sex is the cause of human mortality. “We have to remember that causation is a complicated thing,” Mansplain reminded reporters, “It’s entirely possible that the knowledge that somewhere someone is dying is what drives women to have sex.”
Regardless, the implications of this research are potentially world-changing. After all, some have asked the research team, if their hypothesis is correct then could not the worldwide death rate be dramatically reduced by men refusing to have sex with women? “Whoa, let’s not get crazy now,” Mansplain said in response. “I mean, you can’t put the blame for this on men. That’s totally unfair.” Likewise, others added, does that mean sex between men does not cause people to die and should thus be encouraged? “What? No,” replied Mansplain. “That causes hurricanes. We’ve been over this, guys. Keep up.”