There are few holidays more well-known than Valentine’s Day, where we celebrate the saintly deeds of an ancient martyr by having massive amounts of sex on the anniversary of his grisly beheading and death. Much like Christmas, Easter, and the Fourth of July, Valentine’s faces heavy persecution in today’s heathen atheist communist America which is also socialist. Thanks to Japanese inventors, however, this year Valentine’s Day will be safe from its most dangerous threat: women who have sex with people they don’t love. Japanese lingerie brand Ravijour has recently released a bra that unclasps itself only when its wearer experiences, in their words, ‘true love’. This way, women can be sure they won’t end up accidentally having sex with some non-destined-soul-mate, because it’s not like women can trust themselves to know who they do and don’t want to sleep with.
And, of course, there is absolutely no doubt that if the bra opens that means your woman is totally irrevocably in love with you. After all, the algorithm the bra uses to determine whether a woman is really truly in Real True Love is one-hundred-percent foolproof. “When we fall in love we experience an instant boost in excitement, unlike any other we encounter in life,” explains Ravijour’s Human Sexuality Specialist. The smart-bra identifies this totally completely unique excitement by detecting an increase in the wearer’s heart rate, a physiological reaction that arises in the case of true love and nothing else, especially not exercise, amusement parks, competitive sports, coffee, speeches, deadlines, fire alarms, or having some creepy dude paw at you against your express wishes because he thinks you’re in love with him for some reason. And, remember guys, when a girl realizes she’s in love with you, the first thing she wants to do is have sex with you immediately no matter where you are or who is watching, which is why the bra flies open the second it detects the patented ‘True Love Heart Rate’.
The smart-bra’s creator has said that he believes the bra will become ‘a friend to women around the world’, as it will allow them to find true love, which is of course the ultimate goal of all women ever without exception. “Until now,” the inventor said, “the bra was just a piece of clothing to remove,” demonstrating his understanding of the female viewpoint by taking a garment that has been considered by women to be everything from a necessary part of one’s wardrobe to an oppressive tool of a patriarchal society and defining it completely by its role from the perspective of a straight, horny male.
So, straight horny males in our audience, for this Valentine’s Day instead of chocolates or flowers, you can surprise your girlfriend with the Ravijour smart-bra! Patiently explain to her that she needs a piece of clothing to inform her how she feels about people and who she’s allowed to have sex with and watch as the bra registers that magical ‘True Love Rate’. Or maybe she’s just pissed. It’s hard to say, really.