Pope Francis Threatens to Drag Church into 21st Century

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Being a decent person and selfies are among the new Pope’s 21st century exploits.

In a move that rattled his staunchest followers, Pope Francis responded to criticism by threatening to modernize the church, stating, “I’ll do it, don’t push me or by God I’ll drag the whole church into the 21st century.” Conservatives worldwide have condemned this brinkmanship, claiming that Francis is just whining to get what he wants, and that his position of the Pope, spiritual leader to over one billion Catholics and imbued with papal infallibility, gives him an unfair advantage.

In a my-way-or-the-highway move, Pope Francis is attempting to silence critics with his holy forces. One such critic is Home Depot founder Ken Langone. Langone, a wealthy Catholic donor, claims that an “anonymous” seven-figure donation to a Catholic hospital has been put on hold indefinitely because of the Pope’s comments promoting the importance of the rich’s responsibility to the poor. Like small children, Langone argued, the rich tend to do the exact opposite as what they’re told. Hope remains for rich outside the United States, however, because “rich people in one country don’t act the same as rich people in another country,” according to Langone.

The Pope’s threat to modernize may also be partially in response to the new Spanish Cardinal, Fernando Sebastion, who claimed homosexuality is a defect, like his high blood pressure, and that it can be “cured” with the right treatment. Can you pray the high blood pressure away, too? That might help invigorate church membership among the adult population.

When  he heard of the issue Pope Francis responded with surprise. “Don’t these people realize that I am the direct line to God? Why are they questioning my authority? I said be nice to the gays and the poor, is it really that hard? I still have contraceptives and women’s rights if I really want to freak people out.”

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