Ohio: “We’ll recognize your marriage over your dead body”

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It makes us sick.

Seventeen states now recognize same-sex marriages, and Ohio may be the next. Judge Timothy Black recently ruled that not allowing couples married in other states their death certificates was unconstitutional.

“The question presented,” wrote Black, “is whether a state can do what the federal government cannot – i.e., discriminate against same-sex couples – simply because the majority of the voters don’t like homosexuality (or at least didn’t in 2004).”

In response to the outrageous idea that grieving gay people get to see their spouses, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine proclaimed that he would “defend the Ohio Constitution and state statutes.”

Ohio’s constitutional ban on gay marriage was set in 2004, because of the danger gay marriage posed to traditional marriage. Black’s case applied specifically the the rights of married gay couples to be recognized as gay–we mean married–on their death certificates. Recognizing these dangerous individuals would open the door to other forms of sexual and social deviancy, like crying over dead people. Recognition of marriage on death certificates is responsible for allowing normal couples access to their spouse’s bank accounts, health insurance, alongside the implicit value of having been “til death do us part”. Allowing gay people to have money and health insurance could be even more disastrous as is might cause certain undesirable parts of the economy to boom, such as “Biff’s Sodomy Closet”. It would also allow trans people in queer couples to obtain medical assistance in their transition through their corrupt and dead partner’s  health insurance. Oh wait, no it wouldn’t.

Death certificates are often a necessary evil for normal couples, and can be a pain to deal with in the midst of grief, since they are necessary to prove your loved one’s death to various institutions like banks or hospitals.

“Really”, continued DeWine, “We’re probably doing them a favour. They don’t have to deal with the death certificate on top of trying to save their mortal souls”.

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