Marriage is Dead for Real This Time

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Gay Marriage: It’s threatening to Wake Me Up Inside.

As we enter 2014, it’s important to remember all those we’ve lost in the year before. One death, specifically, weighs on all our hearts and minds. readme is, of course, speaking of the tragic and unexpected passing of the institution of marriage. That’s right, folks. Marriage died in 2013. Not that you’d know from listening to the lamestream liberal media. Thankfully, we have Keith Ablow to tell us what’s what.

A psychiatrist and member of the ‘Fox News Medical A-Team’ (catchphrase: “I love it when a health plan comes together”), Dr. Keith Ablow broke the news in the most level-headed and professional manner possible, with a not-at-all melodramatic statement that “marriage is over”. According to sources, he then started painting his nails black and muttering about how ‘Linkin Park’s the only one who understands’.

Ablow of course had numerous pieces of evidence to support his ‘dead marriage’ theory, and by ‘numerous’, we mean ‘one’. As he points out, sometimes celebrities have really short marriages, and this is undeniably the result of marriage being dead. Because short celebrity marriages are a thing totally specific to 2013, and not something celebrities have been doing for decades before now. But it’s not like evidence is an important part of the scientific process or anyone. No, what’s more important is Ablow making sure people know that he totally called it.

“More than a year ago, when states began to legalize gay marriage, I argued that polygamy would be the natural result,” Ablow said. “Now one District Court Judge in Utah thinks that parts of a single anti-polygamy law are unconstitutional, so I’m going to consider my point irrefutably proved.” And since the man is clearly a better prophet than Nostradamus, he followed up with some more crazy blanket generalizations, asserting that gay marriage will lead to marriage becoming “the Wild West” and incest being legalized.

“Wait, hang on,” readme asked, confused, “is marriage a cowboy now? I thought it was dead.”

“I don’t care! You’re not my real dad!” Ablow shouted in response, throwing his eyeliner at readme. “Marriage is a joke! Everybody should just take the government out of the equation altogether! Get gay-polygamy-married at a commune for all I care! I’m going to write a moody poem about it on my LiveJournal! Then you’ll be sorry!”

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