Hello, reader! Do you like readme? Would you like to keep reading delicious satire news for the rest of your college career? If so, then it may sadden you to know that your readme-filled college future is currently in jeopardy. You may not be aware of this, dear reader, but scathing articles about the government’s handling of women’s issues do not just simply spring forth from the ether (readme’s research into spontaneous satireogenesis has had similarly fruitless results). No, in order to have satire, there must be someone ready to write the satire. And that, dear reader, is where you come in.
You know that big list on the back of the readme where we name the dozens of writers who make readme possible? LIES. ALL LIES. The truth is, said list is not so much a list of who is writing for readme as much as it is a list of those who did, at some point, do so. Much like the best way to survive a bear attack is to make yourself look bigger than you are (ed: it turns out this is not, in fact, always the best way to survive a bear attack), a biweekly satire paper’s only defense against predatory newsgroups is to pad out the size of its writing staff. We realize, though, that this may have led some of you to the conclusion that readme is far more prepared for the impending graduation of half of its editing staff than it actually is.
So, the question we pose to you: are you a bad enough dude to write for a hilarious biweekly satire magazine about politics, campus life, and bears? We know what concerns you might have about undertaking such an awesome venture, but we’d like to take a few moments to address the most common ones:
• What if I don’t like satire?
Okay, smartass, then why are you even reading this?
• What if I don’t know how to write satire?
Nobody expects you to. Fun fact: every member of readme was once not a member of readme. We all know what it’s like not to have any satire experience, and there’s no better way to learn than to watch other people doing it. If you’ve ever wanted to know how to express political opinions in a witty way, readme is the best place to do it. Even if you haven’t, it’s a kickass skill to have.
• What if I’m not an English major?
That’s perfectly fine. Nobody on readme is enough of a snob to make judgments about you based on what college you’re from. Leave that to the CS kids!
• What if I don’t have the time?
As it currently stands, our writing staff is able to crank out readmes in about six hours of serious work every two weeks. If that staff size were to double, that amount would go down to three hours every other week. And it’s not like we make you take a blood oath saying you’ll put readme above everything else CMU makes you do (the name of the demon we don’t invoke to bind your soul is named Azgaroth). If you need a break, we get that.
• But what if I don’t like hanging out with smart, funny people talking about all the hilariously horrible decisions people in the world are making while listening to quirky hipster music and eating from the enormous cache of candy inside AB office where we hold office hours?
Well, then you can just go fuck yourself, you tool.
If you’re not a tool, our weekly meetings are at 6:30 in UC 306 and we hold office hours on Sunday and Monday nights in the AB office every other week. More information can be found by joining our Facebook group or emailing our editor-in-chef (yes, that is the official title, and yes, it is awesome) at firstname.lastname@example.org.
We’ve seen how excited people can be to see a new readme. We want to keep exciting people. Help spread the fun. Join readme.