On Dec 1, 2013, a train crashed in Bronx, killing four and injuring 67. The engineer of the train at the time, William Rockefeller, Jr., apparently “was nodding off and caught himself too late.” This incident, among many others, has only confirmed my suspicions: The U.S. Infrastructure must be improved.
Now I know for a fact when I say that, a group of college liberals somewhere will perk up their tiny little ears and head for their tiny little soapboxes chittering: “I told you so I told you so!” Let me halt those pitter pattering feet in their tracks before they come around and hail me as their next king. When I say the U.S. Infrastructure must be improved, I don’t mean slinging a lot of us millionaires’ hard earned cash at it. I mean the U.S. Infrastructure needs to stop being a bitch and toughen up. It’s already being coddled with billions of taxpayer dollars, and it’s only getting lazier every day.
Take the issue of William Rockefeller Jr. for example. The man fell asleep at the wheel! It doesn’t get lazier than that. Sure, he’s an 11 year veteran who works long hours on the early morning shift. Sure, he’s worked his way up in the food chain from being a janitor to working as an engineer, and sure he’s been described as a “sincere” and “honest” person who “worked as a volunteer fireman”. These things only prove my point. He’s been so pampered in these 11 years of hard work at the MTA and the fire department that he thinks it acceptable to fall asleep at the wheel of a train and call it “fatigue”. It’s a silly and demeaning comparison to the word “fatigue” to truly hard working people everywhere, to the brave and few fighters who face difficult tasks like caviar and golf with Trump almost every day.
My proposed solution, therefore, is this: reduce the budget. Evolutionarily speaking, and scientists will back me up, this is a sound strategy. It will help the U.S. Infrastructure evolve into a sturdier and overall stronger self. By toughening its conditions, as my colleagues and I have been working to steadily do in the past decade, we are giving it the tools to survive in the real world, where its budget can be slashed for no apparent reason anyway. Remember, what doesn’t kill you only leaves you in a half-dead state in which you will be rendered nearly useless, and then maybe your daddy will finally give you that company.