New studies have shown that despite Carl Gallup’s extensive research on the subject, President Obama is not, in fact, the antichrist. The crack team of investigators, which included the Pope, Joel Olsteen, and a rebellious rabbi from “The Passion of the Christ”, walked into a bar last week to review Gallup’s findings. There, they took it upon themselves to once and for all decide the President’s demonic status.
The question of President Obama’s demonic alliances was brought up only quite recently – directly after the President unveiled his health care plan. Religious leaders noted with worry that the Affordable Care Act was plagued from the get-go by various technical issues, a sure sign of demonic infestation. Joel Olsteen had himself experienced similar demon-technology interaction last year when he was unable to get the family copy of Internet Explorer to stop sending him raunchy Pop-Up Ads, despite the free Ad Blocking and Anti Virus Softwares he had downloaded onto his computer. He and his family were forced to move into a hotel for a couple of weeks while the exorcism took place.
Our Heavenly Task Force directly suspected Obama of being possessed after a covert exorcism was carried out on the Health Care Plan’s website just days ago. Though no official details or documents of the even have been revealed, the religious leaders were seen exiting the server room visibly shaken. It was apparent at the very least that the customary tactic of sprinkling holy water on an affected area had done nothing to bring better quality health care to citizens of the United States.
Obama’s demonic status was downgraded, however, after the team found the President’s own reaction to holy water to be underwhelming. Mr. Obama would only express a mild displeasure at being sprayed in the face with holy water, before continuing along his day of being President. Their holinesses of Our Heavenly Task Force found these results sufficient evidence to categorize the President as, at best, a tier 3 demon of the lower class.