North Pole Security Agency

Recent evidence that has come to light implicates the North Pole government and  the Santa Claus administration in the construction and implementation of a vast data-mining program that taps into the browser history, email, and even phone records of all the good little boys and girls to find out what they want for Christmas this year.

This evidence was leaked by a former Christmas elf, Edward Snow-den, who claimed that Claus has been using the information mined from this program to construct a list of children to monitor, which he then checks twice in a gross invasion of privacy. Snow-den has been accused of treason for his part in the leak, and is currently seeking refuge from North Pole authorities in a politically-correct public school outside of Christmas’s jurisdiction.

The reveal has sparked massive controversy. Some argue that it is an inexcusable violation of children’s basic rights, also criticizing the North Pole’s lack of transparency about the programs. Others, while wary of holiday surveillance, say it is at least less intrusive than the old system, wherein Santa Claus would simply see you while you’re sleeping. Claus himself has defended the program, calling it a necessary tool against the War on Christmas. “We’ve got to find out who’s naughty or nice,” Claus insisted, citing claims that the use of email monitoring had already prevented at least fifty nice kids from getting clothes on Christmas morning. Said children, he added, had only been monitored because they used certain red flag keywords like ‘cookie’ and ‘reindeer games’ in their conversations with an undercover North Pole agent at the mall, which made the system flag them as naughty children.

Claus fielded a few more questions before concluding that, “We’ve got to make a choice as a society. We can’t have one hundred percent privacy and one hundred percent not coal in your stockings. Anyone else want to complain about the program? Yeah,” he said in the following silence, “that’s what I thought.”

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