List: Things Politicians Have Compared Other Things To

 

Obamacare has been compared to slavery

Women have been compared to farm animals

The Tea Party has been compared to the KKK

The Tea Party to terrorists

Obama to Hitler, of course

Obamacare to the Titanic

Obamacare to Star Wars

Abortion to the Holocaust

Abortion to slavery

Gay marriage to polygamy

Gay marriage to paganism

Gay marriage to incest

Gay marriage to 9/11

Republicans compared their fight to keep the government shut down to the Civil War…with them as the Confederates

NCAA to the mafia

Iran deal to appeasement in WW2

North Pole Security Agency

Recent evidence that has come to light implicates the North Pole government and  the Santa Claus administration in the construction and implementation of a vast data-mining program that taps into the browser history, email, and even phone records of all the good little boys and girls to find out what they want for Christmas this year.

This evidence was leaked by a former Christmas elf, Edward Snow-den, who claimed that Claus has been using the information mined from this program to construct a list of children to monitor, which he then checks twice in a gross invasion of privacy. Snow-den has been accused of treason for his part in the leak, and is currently seeking refuge from North Pole authorities in a politically-correct public school outside of Christmas’s jurisdiction.

The reveal has sparked massive controversy. Some argue that it is an inexcusable violation of children’s basic rights, also criticizing the North Pole’s lack of transparency about the programs. Others, while wary of holiday surveillance, say it is at least less intrusive than the old system, wherein Santa Claus would simply see you while you’re sleeping. Claus himself has defended the program, calling it a necessary tool against the War on Christmas. “We’ve got to find out who’s naughty or nice,” Claus insisted, citing claims that the use of email monitoring had already prevented at least fifty nice kids from getting clothes on Christmas morning. Said children, he added, had only been monitored because they used certain red flag keywords like ‘cookie’ and ‘reindeer games’ in their conversations with an undercover North Pole agent at the mall, which made the system flag them as naughty children.

Claus fielded a few more questions before concluding that, “We’ve got to make a choice as a society. We can’t have one hundred percent privacy and one hundred percent not coal in your stockings. Anyone else want to complain about the program? Yeah,” he said in the following silence, “that’s what I thought.”

Opinion Piece: U.S. Infrastructure Needs to Toughen Up

On Dec 1, 2013, a train crashed in Bronx, killing four and injuring 67. The engineer of the train at the time, William Rockefeller, Jr., apparently “was nodding off and caught himself too late.” This incident, among many others, has only confirmed my suspicions: The U.S. Infrastructure must be improved.

Now I know for a fact when I say that, a group of college liberals somewhere will perk up their tiny little ears and head for their tiny little soapboxes chittering: “I told you so I told you so!” Let me halt those pitter pattering feet in their tracks before they come around and hail me as their next king. When I say the U.S. Infrastructure must be improved, I don’t mean slinging a lot of us millionaires’ hard earned cash at it. I mean the U.S. Infrastructure needs to stop being a bitch and toughen up. It’s already being coddled with billions of taxpayer dollars, and it’s only getting lazier every day.

Take the issue of William Rockefeller Jr. for example. The man fell asleep at the wheel! It doesn’t get lazier than that. Sure, he’s an 11 year veteran who works long hours on the early morning shift. Sure, he’s worked his way up in the food chain from being a janitor to working as an engineer, and sure he’s been described as a “sincere” and “honest” person who “worked as a volunteer fireman”. These things only prove my point. He’s been so pampered in these 11 years of hard work at the MTA and the fire department that he thinks it acceptable to fall asleep at the wheel of a train and call it “fatigue”. It’s a silly and demeaning comparison to the word “fatigue” to truly hard working people everywhere, to the brave and few fighters who face difficult tasks like caviar and golf with Trump almost every day.

My proposed solution, therefore, is this: reduce the budget. Evolutionarily speaking, and scientists will back me up, this is a sound strategy. It will help the U.S. Infrastructure evolve into a sturdier and overall stronger self. By toughening its conditions, as my colleagues and I have been working to steadily do in the past decade, we are giving it the tools to survive in the real world, where its budget can be slashed for no apparent reason anyway. Remember, what doesn’t kill you only leaves you in a half-dead state in which you will be rendered nearly useless, and then maybe your daddy will finally give you that company.   

 

The 12 Days of Finals

On the First day of finals my college gave to me

A week left until we’re free

 

On the Second day of finals my college gave to me

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Third day of finals my college gave to me

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Fourth day of finals my college gave to me

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Fifth day of finals my college gave to me

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Sixth day of finals my college gave to me

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Seventh day of finals my college gave to me

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

On the Eighth day of finals my college gave to me

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Ninth day of finals my college gave to me

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Tenth day of finals my college gave to me

Ten TAs weeping

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Eleventh day of finals my college gave to me

Eleven bagpipers piping

Ten TAs weeping

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Last day of finals my college gave to me

Twelve million dollars in loans

Eleven bagpipers piping

Ten TAs weeping

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

Obama Not Antichrist, Only Lower Order Demon

New studies have shown that despite Carl Gallup’s extensive research on the subject, President Obama is not, in fact, the antichrist. The crack team of investigators, which included the Pope, Joel Olsteen, and a rebellious rabbi from “The Passion of the Christ”, walked into a bar last week to review Gallup’s findings. There, they took it upon themselves to once and for all decide the President’s demonic status.

The question of President Obama’s demonic alliances was brought up only quite recently – directly after the President unveiled his health care plan. Religious leaders noted with worry that the Affordable Care Act was plagued from the get-go by various technical issues, a sure sign of demonic infestation. Joel Olsteen had himself experienced similar demon-technology interaction last year when he was unable to get the family copy of Internet Explorer to stop sending him raunchy Pop-Up Ads, despite the free Ad Blocking and Anti Virus Softwares he had downloaded onto his computer. He and his family were forced to move into a hotel for a couple of weeks while the exorcism took place.

Our Heavenly Task Force directly suspected Obama of being possessed after a covert exorcism was carried out on the Health Care Plan’s website just days ago. Though no official details or documents of the even have been revealed, the religious leaders were seen exiting the server room visibly shaken. It was apparent at the very least that the customary tactic of sprinkling holy water on an affected area had done nothing to bring better quality health care to citizens of the United States.

Obama’s demonic status was downgraded, however, after the team found the President’s own reaction to holy water to be underwhelming. Mr. Obama would only express a mild displeasure at being sprayed in the face with holy water, before continuing along his day of being President. Their holinesses of Our Heavenly Task Force found these results sufficient evidence to categorize the President as, at best, a tier 3 demon of the lower class.