Preemptively get third quarter depression
I don’t want to finish this list. Can I get an extension?
Remember that if you pass 251 this semester, you’ll never have to take it again
Go back to sleep
Write a list for readme
Sob uncontrollably and break all your things. Studies show this helps!
Accept that this is what your life will be like from now on
A billy club. Wait, beat depression? I thought you said children
If you can’t beat depression, join depression
Fill it in with dirt. DID YOU KNOW: The Cut used to be a depression!
Remind yourself that you have at least a glimmer of hope for your future, unlike all of the other poor saps who made the bad decision to not have been born both smart and upper-middle-class in a time when political forces have decided to utterly annihilate the social safety net and the job and environmental health prospects of future generations
Try lowering interest rates. If that doesn’t work, hide
Contain the depression within electrified fences. Remove the depression’s ability to breed by blending its DNA with that of a frog. WAIT HOLY SHIT THE DEPRESSION IS LOOSE AGGHHHH AND IT CAN OPEN DOORS
Follow the witches’ advice! Kill the king and replace him on the throne! You’ll have nothing to worry about — no man of woman born can harm you!
Take the garbage littering your floor and build a ziggurat out of it. Enlil will bless your homework.
Bonus points if you have actually heard the word “ziggurat” outside of the context of Warcraft
Wander the cold, windy, dark autumnal night for a few hours. Let the dead lives pile around your feet, and think distant thoughts about the inevitability of death and dissolution. We are but a drop in the cosmic ocean, swallowed up and gone in an instant, leaving scarcely a ripple to mark our passage. We look out over the still dark water and see no sign that anyone, anything, has ever been. All that work will seem much brighter and more welcoming when you get back!
Remember: it is better to extinguish one candle than curse the fire alarm
It’s one of God’s tests, just like Abraham sacrificing Isaac
Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t worry, so is everyone around you! You’re all in this together, and together you can make it, like shipwrecked sailors working together to survive in the open sea.
The sharks are gathering. Lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.
The ocean turns red. Somewhere nearby, the screaming begins.
People have not-depressed quarters?
Push buggy. Pretend the buggy is your grading curve.
Write a python program to debug your emotions.
Think about the mentalist guy you saw freshman year and try to figure out how he did all those tricks
Ponder Andrew Carnegie. Ponder his Scottish accent, his glorious soft beard, the way his lips moved when he spoke of his heart…
Try to peel the rainbows off hunt.
Watch planes get disoriented from the LED beams shooting into the sky.
Eat an entire box of donuts of the third floor of Club Hunt. Feel the silent jealousy surrounding you.
Pretend your next assignment is part of a complex RPG game.
Ask for a standing ovation in the middle of lecture. I dare you.
Swallow a piece of bubble gum. Begin counting down the next seven years backwards day by day, starting at 2557.
Calculate whether or not 7 years is really equivalent to 2557. Feel smug about however you derive your answer.
Upgrade your double shot in the dark to a triple shot mocha.
Build a scale model reproduction of the school
Memorize the first 100 prime digits of pi
Spray paint a bunch of animals. I mean stuffed animals, obviously.
Paint the fence with invisible paint.
Ascend to a higher plane of existence