The United States Senate recently passed a bill known as the Employee Non-Discrimination Act to much fanfare from the LGBT community. In related news, conservative Christians have all headed to their Playboy-lined straight bunkers to wait out the gay apocalypse, again. While some might call this reaction ‘overblown’ and ‘tired’, these conservatives insist it only seems this way due to confusion over what the bill actually does.
According to the gays, ENDA is simply a federal bill that will protect members of the LGBT community from being wrongfully fired or passed over for work because of their sexuality or gender identity, citing such obviously bogus sources as ‘the actual bill itself’. Thankfully Christian America know where to get its cold, hard facts: from wild fearmongering speculation.
For instance, did you know that with ENDA in place, it will now be legal to fire people for being Christians? readme sure didn’t, but thanks to the magic of paranoia, it now knows that any bill which provides protection to LGBT individuals is actually designed to attack Christians! readme also learned a valuable lesson about the hardships Christians in America have to suffer. Can you imagine, having to pretend to be someone you’re not day in and day out for fear you’ll be fired from your job by bigots who don’t accept your way of life? Bravo to you, conservative patriots, for pointing out what sort of struggles your people, and absolutely no other groups in America, have to face every day.
And what about when employers need to consider an applicant’s sexuality when deciding whether to hire them? For some bizarre reason, ENDA has no loophole for such a scenario. As the Catholic church points out, there are jobs that cannot be properly done by an individual who is not straight and thus discrimination based on sexuality is “appropriate and relevant”. readme is trying really, really hard not to make the obvious joke about why the Catholic church would need to select for straight people.
Plus, as conservatives state, the LGBT community will most likely use the bill to push for the recognition of gay marriages on the state level. And as we all know, if gay marriage is legal, straight marriage will be made illegal, and then pretty soon we’ll all be polygamously marrying underage goats, because that’s how that works. So if you’re Christian and you support traditional marriage, you should head to your bunkers straight away and wait for those hateful gay bullies to stop judging you for who you are.