White Male American Gives Opinion on Typhoon Haiyan

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readme had the pleasure of interview John Young in Middletown, Ohio just after Typhoon Haiyan hit the Philippines this weekend. 

When asked for comment Young replied, “Is that something in Haiti again?” readme then explained that Haiyan was a typhoon that had just hit the shores of the Philippines, confirmed to have killed at least 1,500 people and possibly more accurately 10,000 people, injuring thousands more and shaking the island country to its core. 

“Oh, yeah. I remember hearing about that I think. Must be awful dealing with all that water damage. But It’s probably not that bad. No one here is talking about it.”

“Though I have to tell you, I really feel for those people. About a year ago my basement flooded and – Jesus you should have seen it. Tables, TV, couches, all just swimming in it knee high. Lost a Rolex out of it, if you can believe that. People tell you things are waterproof all the time but when shit hits the fan like that… I bet you lots of Filipinos are out there finding out their cell phones and watches don’t like water after all.” 

readme then informed Mr. Young that rescue efforts in the Philippines are stunted due to poor planning on the part of the local government and the fact that many of the relief volunteers had been personally affected by the disaster.

“That’s them Filipinos for you.” replied Young. “You didn’t see Americans slacking off during Katrina. Our government responded tout suite.” 

Aside from the fact that evacuation for Katrina didn’t take place until about a day before the storm hit, or that transferring citizens to government registered evacuation spots with sturdier architecture made no difference as the waves reached some 20 feet tall. Or that, unlike New Orleans had a much larger portion of high ground to send its citizens to, unlike the island nation of the Philippines. Or that citizens in New Orleans still refused to evacuate, causing their own deaths.

“They really need to take a page from our book. Get some democracy down there. Then they wouldn’t have all these problems. Oh, and capitalism too.” Said Young, as he slid onto the custom leather seat of his large Ford F-150 and sped away.

Obama having a hard time after art crit

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President Obama had a hard time last Friday after his conceptual piece Here I Am met scathing reviews from peers. He was available to publicly comment the following day.“It didn’t well,” Mr. Obama told readme in the confines of his studio. “I mean, quite a few people said they liked my concept. But that was about it.”

Mr. Obama’s piece was submitted for the White House’s Concept Art studio which meets every Monday and Wednesday, and on Friday for critique sessions. These studio sessions are required of all members of Congress as well as for the President. For years they have been a sanctuary for Democrats and Republicans to explore their personal voices both as politicians and emerging artists. But the recent fuss over Mr. Obama’s work seems a step backward.

So why is the President’s piece so controversial? Here I Am is an installation piece featuring a flight of stairs that leads up to the second story window of the oval office. It is “interactive” – viewers are promised a handshake and mint candy from the President once they reach the top. Which would seem fine, except that the stairs are encrusted in manure and star spangled glitter.

Most viewers report not being able to “get it”, let alone get into the crowded opening. But Mr. Obama’s peers and classmates had different issues altogether. One of his loudest critics, Republican House Speaker John Boehner, called the project “pastiche”. “Here I Am obviously tries to reference M.C. Escher’s Relativity in a more sophisticated and modernized context. But it just comes across as another campy version of the Relativity. Obama hasn’t given his piece a relevant enough context for there to be any emotional resonance between the viewer and his piece.”

“See, I don’t get that comment,” Mr. Obama told readme in his studio. “Where’s he getting Relativity from? Here I Am resembles nonsensical staircases in the same way it resembles any other major works or ideas in the last 200 years with stairs. If anything, my work references Romney’s 2006 Here You Are which, by the way, Boehner loved.”

Romney’s infamous Here You Are was a conceptual piece in which viewers were invited to climb into Romney’s campaign bus. The stairs in Romney’s version, however, were covered in tacks. Once at the top, viewers would be smacked with a $500 fine before being booted back down the stairs. Once at the bottom audience members were promptly arrested for trespassing.

“I thought people would appreciate if I marginally improved a horrible experience.” Mr. Obama said, “I mean, Boehner and his crew are really into that whole Sisyphean climb motif. But I wanted something a little more productive, so fuck me, right?”

It’s the ENDA the World as We Know it

The United States Senate recently passed a bill known as the Employee Non-Discrimination Act to much fanfare from the LGBT community. In related news, conservative Christians have all headed to their Playboy-lined straight bunkers to wait out the gay apocalypse, again. While some might call this reaction ‘overblown’ and ‘tired’, these conservatives insist it only seems this way due to confusion over what the bill actually does.

According to the gays, ENDA is simply a federal bill that will protect members of the LGBT community from being wrongfully fired or passed over for work because of their sexuality or gender identity, citing such obviously bogus sources as ‘the actual bill itself’. Thankfully Christian America know where to get its cold, hard facts: from wild fearmongering speculation.

For instance, did you know that with ENDA in place, it will now be legal to fire people for being Christians? readme sure didn’t, but thanks to the magic of paranoia, it now knows that any bill which provides protection to LGBT individuals is actually designed to attack Christians! readme also learned a valuable lesson about the hardships Christians in America have to suffer. Can you imagine, having to pretend to be someone you’re not day in and day out for fear you’ll be fired from your job by bigots who don’t accept your way of life? Bravo to you, conservative patriots, for pointing out what sort of struggles your people, and absolutely no other groups in America, have to face every day.

And what about when employers need to consider an applicant’s sexuality when deciding whether to hire them? For some bizarre reason, ENDA has no loophole for such a scenario. As the Catholic church points out, there are jobs that cannot be properly done by an individual who is not straight and thus discrimination based on sexuality is “appropriate and relevant”. readme is trying really, really hard not to make the obvious joke about why the Catholic church would need to select for straight people.

Plus, as conservatives state, the LGBT community will most likely use the bill to push for the recognition of gay marriages on the state level. And as we all know, if gay marriage is legal, straight marriage will be made illegal, and then pretty soon we’ll all be polygamously marrying underage goats, because that’s how that works. So if you’re Christian and you support traditional marriage, you should head to your bunkers straight away and wait for those hateful gay bullies to stop judging you for who you are.

Rick Perry on Ted Cruz: Lay “the Wood” to Obama

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In what was uncomfortably close to a play on slavery tropes, beloved Rick Perry has recently praised Ted Cruz’s twenty-one hour filibuster, attempt to defund Obamacare and subsequent success in shutting down the government. Perry had his reservations, however. 

 

Perry told reporter Jeff Zeleny that, “It would have been wiser for us to have laid the wood to the president — so to speak — in the sense of being able to call him out on this, let it become an issue of, ‘Mr. President, you own this,’, laying on the racially coded implication that he’d like to beat the president.

 

“This” being the fact that some Americans will be unable to keep their original health care plan now that Obamacare is taking full effect in our country. Because, you know, their healthcare plans were more expensive and less effective. 

 

“He needs to stand up in front of the American people and say, ‘You know what? I perpetrated a fraud on you.” Continued Perry, who, during his failed run for candidacy in the 2012 election, spoke about ideas such as  “legitimate rape” (i.e.rape that doesn’t cause pregnancy because it’s actually rape.), initiated an international incident after calling Turks terrorists, confused Libya and Lebanon and compared the oppression of gay school children to Christian school children . The list goes on. 

 

Really, it might be for the best if Ted Cruz took a page out of Rick Perry’s book (oh, but he probably doesn’t own books) and gave a speech to the entire country which convinced us he was drunk. He probably didn’t do enough by quoting Disney during his filibuster, comparing congress to the WWF, citing the Little Engine that Can’t in his speeches or asserting that “The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare”. 

List: Ways to beat second quarter depression

Preemptively get third quarter depression

I don’t want to finish this list. Can I get an extension?

Remember that if you pass 251 this semester, you’ll never have to take it again

Go back to sleep

Write a list for readme

Sob uncontrollably and break all your things. Studies show this helps!

Accept that this is what your life will be like from now on

 A billy club. Wait, beat depression? I thought you said children

If you can’t beat depression, join depression

Fill it in with dirt. DID YOU KNOW: The Cut used to be a depression!

Remind yourself that you have at least a glimmer of hope for your future, unlike all of the other poor saps who made the bad decision to not have been born both smart and upper-middle-class in a time when political forces have decided to utterly annihilate the social safety net and the job and environmental health prospects of future generations

Try lowering interest rates. If that doesn’t work, hide

Contain the depression within electrified fences. Remove the depression’s ability to breed by blending its DNA with that of a frog. WAIT HOLY SHIT THE DEPRESSION IS LOOSE AGGHHHH AND IT CAN OPEN DOORS

Follow the witches’ advice! Kill the king and replace him on the throne! You’ll have nothing to worry about — no man of woman born can harm you!

Take the garbage littering your floor and build a ziggurat out of it. Enlil will bless your homework.

Bonus points if you have actually heard the word “ziggurat” outside of the context of Warcraft

Wander the cold, windy, dark autumnal night for a few hours. Let the dead lives pile around your feet, and think distant thoughts about the inevitability of death and dissolution. We are but a drop in the cosmic ocean, swallowed up and gone in an instant, leaving scarcely a ripple to mark our passage. We look out over the still dark water and see no sign that anyone, anything, has ever been. All that work will seem much brighter and more welcoming when you get back!

Remember: it is better to extinguish one candle than curse the fire alarm

It’s one of God’s tests, just like Abraham sacrificing Isaac

Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t worry, so is everyone around you! You’re all in this together, and together you can make it, like shipwrecked sailors working together to survive in the open sea.

The sharks are gathering. Lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.

The ocean turns red. Somewhere nearby, the screaming begins.

People have not-depressed quarters?

Push buggy. Pretend the buggy is your grading curve. 

Write a python program to debug your emotions. 

Think about the mentalist guy you saw freshman year and try to figure out how he did all those tricks

Ponder Andrew Carnegie. Ponder his Scottish accent, his glorious soft beard, the way his lips moved when he spoke of his heart…

Try to peel the rainbows off hunt. 

Watch planes get disoriented from the LED beams shooting into the sky. 

Eat an entire box of donuts of the third floor of Club Hunt. Feel the silent jealousy surrounding you. 

Pretend your next assignment is part of a complex RPG game. 

Ask for a standing ovation in the middle of lecture. I dare you. 

Swallow a piece of bubble gum. Begin counting down the next seven years backwards day by day, starting at 2557. 

Calculate whether or not 7 years is really equivalent to 2557. Feel smug about however you derive your answer.

Upgrade your double shot in the dark to a triple shot mocha. 

Build a scale model reproduction of the school

Memorize the first 100 prime digits of pi

Spray paint a bunch of animals. I mean stuffed animals, obviously. 

Paint the fence with invisible paint.

Ascend to a higher plane of existence

‘Yarr, We Be Not Pirates,’ Claims Activist

Activist leader Paul Watson, who founded the anti-whaling organization ‘Sea Shepherd’, which uses naval sabotage techniques to cripple the capabilities of Japanese whaling vessels, recently testified in a U.S. appeals court that he and his organization were ‘not pirates’. If working with politics has taught readme anything, it’s that if somebody says they’re not something, they totally are, which meant that upon hearing this it immediately began fitting Watson for an eyepatch and parrot.

Watson claimed that Sea Shepherd do not partake in piracy, but were simply protesting against the corrupt actions taken by the whaling industry, who many assert use their license to hunt whale to profit from the lucrative whale meat market. Now, granted, readme gets all of its knowledge of piracy from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, but it was fairly certain that protesting against corrupt and greedy businessmen was pretty much all pirates did besides make unsatisfying sequels. Also, dude, your flag is literally modeled after the skull-and-crossbones. I think the ship has sort of sailed on that one.

What’s more, Watson’s claims seem a bit fishy. For one, he claims not to be a pirate, and yet has an immaculately-groomed snow white goatee. There is absolutely no way people don’t call that guy ‘Whitebeard’ Watson behind closed doors. And they are the sworn enemies of a class of Japanese mercenaries who profit off killing (whalers: the modern-day ninja!). We’re just saying, his story doesn’t hold much water.

The court session where Watson made these claims was being held over supposed violations of an injunction levied against Paul Watson that prevented Sea Shepherd from perpetuating any more attacks on whaling vessels. Watson, however, pointed out that it was the in-no-way-affiliated-with-Sea-Shepherd ‘Sea Shepherd of Australia Limited’ that had been responsible for attacks which supposedly violated the injunction, and thus had not been bound at the time by the injunction.

The whalers, however, argued that the distinction between Sea Shepherd and Sea Shepherd of Australia, much like readme’s idea of piracy, is “largely fictional”. In short, they said, “You cheated.”

Watson simply gave a dashing Johnny Depp smile and shot back, “Pirate—ah, wait, shit. Forget I said that.”

LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE

How fucking dare anyone out there make fun of Rob Ford after all he has been through!

He’s been accused of sexual harassment, he’s been sued for “false and defamatory comments”. He has at least two videos out of him being or getting fucked up.

He turned out to be a crack user, and now he’s got to prepare his campaign for reelection. All you people care about is… apologies and making jokes about him.

HE’S SEMI HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Rob Ford has already given you a great reelection smear ad and all you do is try to get him to step down.

He hasn’t campaigned in years. His campaign slogan was “End the Gravy Train” for a reason because all you people want is for his career to END END END END END!

LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he even ran for you BASTARDS!

LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE!… Please.

Nelson Wiseman talked about morality and said Rob Ford never campaigned on upstanding morality and not doing drugs.

Speaking of morality, when was it ever moral to require politicians not to do drugs?

Leave Rob Ford alone. Please!

Leave Rob Ford alone! Right now! I mean it.

Anyone that has a problem with him you deal with me, because I am his sponsor.

Leave him alone.

Lose Your Faith in Humanity in One Short Article

We all know that if there’s any problem with second-quarter CMU students, it’s that they’re just too darn optimistic. If you’re a student looking for a way to crush that pesky faith in humanity before finals, look no further than this very article, which chronicles the adventures of actual Americans (seriously, though, we didn’t make any of this shit up) who decided that dressing up as a sexy Native American for Halloween this year just wasn’t offensive enough. No, this year we get assholes going as:

 

• Hitler, because of course people dressed up as Hitler.

• KKK members.

• Suicide bombers.

• Osama bin Laden.

• George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, complete with bloody hoodie and blackface.

• A political cartoonist’s idea of what President Obama looks like.

• The Boston marathon bomber.

• The Boston marathon victims.

• The homeless.

• The Twin Towers, mid-explosion.

• Bloody flight attendants from the Asiana Airlines crash.

 

• This last one’s not a costume, but one dude hung up an effigy designed to look like a lynched black man on his lawn as a ‘Halloween decoration’. 

 

If this year’s crop of costumes teaches us anything, it is that we’ve clearly lost our connection with this sacred holiday. We have to remember, next year, the true meaning of Halloween: finding increasingly skimpy outfits for women to wear.