Obama Wants to Turn Marines into Girls with Headwear

As though enslaving America with universal health care was not enough for our Presi-don’t, Barack Obama recently unveiled plans to make the Marine Corp switch to hats that kinda-sorta look a little bit girlier than the last batch, thereby ruining the entire military forever and probably leaving America open to invasion from the Commies or something. Technically, the idea was proposed by the Marine Corps Uniform Board, a committee of Marine officers and NCOs that actually takes no input from Obama whatsoever, but thankfully the American people have never before let facts get in the way of blaming Obama for things. Thanks, Obama!

The proposed headwear is modeled after that of Sergeant Major Daniel Daly, a Marine who served from 1899 to 1929, and has a slightly more slender appearance than the ‘bucket cover’ worn by the Marines for almost a century. The change, however, has been met with waves of criticism from Marines and civilians alike, who say that the old headwear needs no improvement and also this new hat is totally a ‘woman’s hat’. No, seriously. Apparently, ‘skinny’ equals ‘feminine’ now, which readme guesses makes Slenderman the girliest motherfucker around.

“The Marines deserve better,” said one critic of the switch, because apparently making a uniform slightly more feminine is the gravest insult one can give another. Of course, this is not just a matter of personal dignity—the very security of our nation is at stake. Sure, our Marines are well-trained operatives who are expected to meet strict standards for physical fitness and skill, but how will that help when they wear hats that make them look girly? Science fact: combat prowess is derived solely from how manly your outfit is. Because of gluons. We here at readme are sure that Sergeant Major Daly, a two-time Medal of Honor recipient who fought during the Boxer Rebellion and in Haiti at the turn of the century never in his entire life did anything that could be called badass.

In response to this the uproar, the Marine Corps press office released a statement saying, “Holy shit, guys, calm the fuck down. You can keep your goddamn bucket hats.” Female Marines will still be allowed to wear the Daly hat, though. For some reason, nobody seems worried that these Marines will be emasculated by the hats. Damn, it’s almost like women can be feminine and badass, or something.

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