Dil-Don’t in Texas


In early 2012, the sale of Dildos was made illegal again after it was temporarily legalized in 2008. The law also specifically noted that own more than six dildos at a time was considered to be “patently offensive.”, and awkwardly tiptoed around the word itself, instead hedging, “ device[s] designed and marketed as useful primarily for stimulation of the human genital organs.”


The law also bans the sale of dildos:

§ 43.23. OBSCENITY. (a) A person commits an offense if, knowing its content and character, he wholesale promotes or possesses with intent to wholesale promote any obscene material or obscene device.


This led to a rather uncomfortable situation this past weekend when police officers were called to the home of Will and Fanny Seaman after hearing “sharp, piercing screams” coming from the suburban home in Houston. The excited screams provided the police officers probable cause for entry, though they did not actually call out to the residents before entering.


Upon entering the house, the officers followed the sounds to the bedroom at the back of the house. There they found Mr. and Mrs. Seaman having rather noisy sex while making use of two of their dildos. Upon inspecting the room despite being told vacate the premises by the couple, the officers discovered a massive collection of dildos and other sex toys.  The two officers were forced under Texas law to confiscate the large collection, which mostly filled the walk-in closet of their spacious two-bedroom home. 


When asked why they confiscated the toys, one officer reported that it was his duty, and that, really, women shouldn’t need dildos to satisfy them when they have men. It’s not Godly.


In response to the question of what would be done with the dildos now that they mostly filled up a police cruiser, the other officer said that they had considered selling them for charity, but it was illegal to sell them. They also thought about melting down the plastic for condoms for use in the safe-sex program at the Texas public schools, but then they remembered there was no safe-sex program. Eventually they agreed that the dildos would have to be reclassified as weapons, and would be used as night-sticks by the Houston police in their efforts to discourage other lewd behavior such as enjoying sex. 

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