CMU’s Hellish History

hellmouth

Ask an average CMU student what they think of certain features on the school’s campus – for example, that infamous “Walking to the Sky” statue. You’ll find that words like “kinda”, “weird”, and “eyesore” frequently enter into their vocabulary. Rarely, however, will you encounter words like and “monument to” and “Satan’s penis”. Or, in the case of the Randy Pausch bridge, “rickety bridge to hellspawn portal”.Yet such words are the sordid reality of CMU’s grim past.

Flash back to a Saturday morning in the early 1900’s. CMU campus was a wasteland, a patchy field of dying grass and unyielding soil. Any life that stumbled into the area don’t survive long- if they were lucky. Otherwise they were found days later, frothing at the mouth and lost within the folds of their own minds (you haven’t known fear until you’ve encountered a possum in this state). Understandably, locals avoided this “Satanic Triangle”. Enter Andrew Carnegie, famed Satanist and metalwork hobbyist.

For Andrew Carnegie, this was the promised land; Carnegie had long hunted for a direct link between the human world and his demonic overlords. He immediately set up camp in the area under the guise of an educational institute. Along with the College of Fine Arts, “Walking to the Sky” was one of the first structures he erected. And erect it he did – historical documents indicate that Carnegie originally commissioned “Walking to the Sky” as a monument to celebrate the very unholy member of Lucifer, the Dark Prince. Weekly Saturday worship services usually involved tying human sacrifices along its length and cranking the monument up to a proud stand. A host of demons would then traverse the Randy Pausch bridge to claim the souls of the hapless victims. Once the ritual was completed, the demons would journey back across the bridge and stop by Tazza d’Oro for a hot chocolate before retreating back to Hell with their fresh harvests and maybe a biscotti for the Dark Prince. 

Though both Tazza d’Oro and the demonic ritual have both remained untouched since they first originated during Lucifer’s Fall, the details have changed. Tazza D’Oro no longer opens on the weekends and the ritual has taken on a more symbolic form. Instead of real human sacrifices tied to a large metal penis, Carnegie Mellon binds the hope and dreams of their students to the statue, for the consuming pleasure of our demonic overlords in Gates.

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