In a historical interview, readme tracked down the elusive fifth dentist at his office this past Saturday. At a location we can only say was near the North Pole, readme chattered down with Smithy McSmitherson in his igloo as he explained why he went against the opinions of his four other colleagues.
“They’re all a bunch of corporate shills,” he said between hot chocolate and ice biscuits. “You should know that. You saw it on a g-damn commercial. Anyway I’ve got bigger worries than Oral B or Sonicare’s feud. Those guys can take their brushes and stick them all over your pearly whites for all I care. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
“Africa.” Smithy said, “China. India. Greece. Latin America. The United States. We’ve got a lot to fix before we start worrying about how much plaque we’re removing from our stuff-holes. Or if your whitener is penetrating and cleaning the enamel of your teeth.”
“So it’s not that one of the five dentists doesn’t agree about the empirical benefits of Listerine or what have you. It’s that one of them – me – doesn’t care enough to answer. And why the hell would I help Oral B sell floss anyway? Honestly, big corporations like them are part of the problem. They’re fucking with you sheeple more than you know. Here.”
He handed readme a toothbrush and toothpaste. “Brush your teeth. Right now.”
Readme briefly contemplated running. But the igloo hole was much too narrow for a quick getaway. Hands trembling, readme uncapped the toothpaste and applied Crest Pro-Health Clinical Gum Protection Toothpaste (Invigorating Clean Mint) to the brush. Almost immediately, Smithy cried out and slapped it away from readme’s hands.
“There! You see that! What dentist recommended that you smother your toothbrush with a tablespoon of product when you brush?!” he yelled, “Nobody, that’s who! It’s the toothpaste conglomerates who taught you that, through ads and commercials. To make you buy toothpaste more often. To sap you of your life’s work with needless purchases.”
Smithy’s parting words seemed to stick with readme as he ran readme through the night in a clumsy snowshoe chase. “One in five dentists recommends that you wake the fuck up!”