Sheikh Saleh al-Lohaidan took up arms against a campaign to let women drive in Saudia Arabia last week. Typing into the hot laptop perched over his groin, Saleh courageously neglected the state of his own gonads as he cautioned women against driving, claiming that sitting comfortably in front of a steering wheel could negatively impact their future offspring.
“If a woman drives a car, not out of pure necessity, that could have negative physiological impacts as functional and physiological medical studies show that it automatically affects the ovaries and pushes the pelvis upwards,” he told Readme between his daily horseback riding lessons on Friday. The Sheikh, pausing the interview to guzzle down a Mountain Dew, continued his groundbreaking speculation on female health. “You saw this problem arising with the advent of the bicycle. When the bicycle was invented, women everywhere suffered the negative impacts that bicycle seats had on their vaginas. In the same way, sitting on a chair in a moving box will cause women to have children with clinical problems of different levels.”
When asked to clarify what he meant by “clinical problems”, “different level”, or anything else he had been talking about , the Sheikh tugged thoughtfully at his nether regions in an attempt to loosen up his tight riding breeches. “You know, I’m not entirely sure about the science myself,” he admitted to Readme, “You’ll have to ask that Nigerian fellow, you know, the one who came up with evidence against gay marriage using magnets. He has all the answers.”