House Republicans Strive to Ensure Health of Nation

In what is in no way a disgusting attempt to force a radical agenda through Congress by holding the world economy hostage, House Republicans imposed a new series of demands on Sunday to stave off a default on the nation’s debt. The programme, which House Republicans agreed was the only sensible alternative to a default that would plunge the struggling economy into a new depression and catastrophically impact the national and world economy, included a one-year delay of the healthcare law, a massive tax overhaul, a broad reduction of environmental regulations, and a demand for a constitutional amendment to legally classify President Obama as a “mean socialist Kenyan who is basically just like Stalin”.

In a press conference on Sunday, House Speaker John Boehner addressed concerns about this very good idea that will not backfire in any way imaginable, that does not represent the basest of political points scoring triumphing over the welfare of the nation, and does not represent total Republican inflexibility over the very idea of a Democratic president. “Fundamentally, we intend to ensure the health and prosperity of the nation. The Democrats aren’t allowing us to push through every single point of our agenda and demand that we compromise, so the only other way we can see to secure the nation’s future is to threaten the solvency of the nation and push ourselves headlong towards a major economic catastrophe that would devastate the world economy and force us into decades of unprecedented economic depression.”

Rank-and-file conservatives and libertarians, meanwhile, have lambasted House Republicans for what they perceive as compromising. In a forty-hour press conference, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas exhorted Republicans to demand a total government shutdown as a precondition to avoid a total government shutdown. “The government that governs best is that which governs least, as we have seen from our successes in Afghanistan and Iraq and the thriving society of Somalia,” he remarked in the tedious, pointless speech. “A government shutdown is very much the best way we can achieve a society for the betterment of all– well, all that matter, anyway. We need to free the captains of industry from the regulations and taxes that shackle them to concepts like “social responsibility” and “a clean living environment” and such rubbish.”

At press time, President Obama confirmed that he thought destroying the nation’s and the world’s economy was probably a bad idea.

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