Government Incompetence Renders Zombie Twain Speechless


Readme joined a zombified Mark Twain yesterday to discuss current news and politics. The venerable American writer and humorist had finally given up on dying after spending decades tossing and turning in the grave and resurfaced to despair once more over United States politics. Readme pulled up a headstone to join Mr. Twain in a heart to heart over cigars.

Twain was notably despondent through the first two hours of the interview and ignored the starstruck Readme’s questions, which included hard hitters like “Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! How are you?” and “I’m sorry, do you want me to leave? Because I can come back if this isn’t a good time.” Readme was only able to get a rise out of the esteemed writer when they shoved a copy of the paper in Twain’s face. As Readme simultaneously insisted on an autograph and apologized for having nothing better to sign, Twain laughed bitterly at the morning’s headlines. Readme squealed with glee at the noise but maintained the presence of mind to record the writer’s first words since resurrection.

“Congress?” Twain said, referring to the incompetence of the United States government in avoiding self imposed deadlines like sequestrations and most recently, government shutdowns, “Congress? Shmongress.”

The great American satirist then shrugged his shoulders and lit another cigar. “S’all I fuckin’ got,” he muttered before creaking onto his knees and heading toward the nearest town in search of a bar.

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