Gay Marriage: How Does that Work?

The scientific community was in an uproar when University of Lagos post-grad Chibuihem Amalaha came forward with his proof that used science to prove that homosexual behavior ought to be outlawed. His thesis utilized such advanced experimental techniques as basic arithmetic, trips to the zoo, and dicking around with bar magnets. “When you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract,” he states, “showing that a man should not attract a man,” in an argument was praised by his fellow Nigerian scientists for its flawless logic and knowledge of advanced scientific knowledge.

Amahala has stated that he hopes to win the Nobel Prize in science for his proof, but has been met with some skepticism from the scientific community at large. “His bar magnet experiment is intriguing,” said one such skeptic, “but it’s hardly a rigorous proof. Perhaps if he could prove gay marriage should be illegal using a potato clock, that might be more convincing.”

Others, meanwhile, criticize his methodology. The most prominent rebuttal to Amahala’s work, penned by his scientific equals, Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope et al, insists that his proof failed to adequately explain the mechanism causing the lack of attraction observed in said bar magnet experiment. As their paper points out, “Fucking magnets, how do they work?” They also take umbrage with his completely unheard-of observation that it requires both a sperm and an egg to create a child, as their own studies had conclusively proven that childbirth was the result of “pure magic”. “Y’all motherfuckers lying,” J and 2 Dope concluded.

A research committee has been formed to determine whether or not these motherfuckers are indeed lying, as J and 2 Dope claim. Their first step will be to replicate Amahala’s original experiments, but have encountered delays as they wait for the papier-mâché volcano to dry.Image

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