Baby Food

Like all satirical works, readme of course owes its start to Jonathan Swift, father of political satire. He was perhaps most famous for his work ‘A Modest Proposal’, wherein he sarcastically suggested that England eat Irish infants in order to survive a famine. However, recent scientific discoveries have led to the realization that, much like ‘To Serve Man’, Swift’s modest proposal was not, in fact satire: it was a cookbook.

A recent paper by Dresden scientists has found that babies are, in fact, scientifically delicious. They would not answer if babies were scientifically low-calorie as well, and seemed a little unnerved that readme would ask them that. They insisted that they did not actually eat any babies over the course of their research, but rather made their discovery by the far less weird method of putting fifteen new mothers in a room while they “sampled the odors of other’s parent’s newborns”. That was a phrase readme never thought it would type in its entire career, but there you go. The point is, babies are delicious.

So, yes, Swift was not being satirical when he said that England should eat Irish babies to survive. He was trying to start a trend. Though the world was not yet ready for baby cannibalism, Swift never gave up on his dream, nay, his passion. Historians have found a volume of Swift’s personal cookbook, which included choice dishes such as infant blood sausage, literal baby back ribs, and the “Infant-for-side”: human veal with rosemary roasted baby potatoes. The historians, at first shocked by the discovery, quickly reevaluated their positions after attempting a “historical reenactment” of the dishes. Swift’s ‘satirical’ work, viewed in this new light proves once and for all that satire, though cynical by nature, can lead to unironically delicious culinary discoveries.

Dear readers, it is with great sadness that readme announces it can no longer report on political happenings or pop culture. readme has always been ‘Carnegie Mellon’s leading source of satire news’ and since ‘satire’ now means ‘baby cannibalism’, that means readme is now CMU’s leading source on how to eat babies. Our next issue will be called ‘eatme’ and we’ll teach you how to make your baby taste like an olinguito.


And on that subject, readme would like to let you know that we meet every Tuesday at 6PM in 306. Writers aged 18-24 (months) welcome.

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