LIST: Scary Movies CMU Style

student_activity

 

Hell Week

Hell Week 2: The Following Week

Night of the Living Buggy

The Ring (of Sets)

28 Finals Later

Primal Scream

The Clustering

Doherety’s Labyrinth

Cluster of the Damned

The Silence of the Voice Majors

Closed Textbook

The Semester Long Group Project

A Nightmare on Frew Street

Two Girls, One Buggy

One Flew Over the Clusterers Nest

Abnormal Psycho(logy)

Machine Shop of Horrors

Student Activity

The Excercise

Pittsburgh Laser-Cutter Massacre

 

Dil-Don’t in Texas

dildont

In early 2012, the sale of Dildos was made illegal again after it was temporarily legalized in 2008. The law also specifically noted that own more than six dildos at a time was considered to be “patently offensive.”, and awkwardly tiptoed around the word itself, instead hedging, “ device[s] designed and marketed as useful primarily for stimulation of the human genital organs.”

 

The law also bans the sale of dildos:

§ 43.23. OBSCENITY. (a) A person commits an offense if, knowing its content and character, he wholesale promotes or possesses with intent to wholesale promote any obscene material or obscene device.

 

This led to a rather uncomfortable situation this past weekend when police officers were called to the home of Will and Fanny Seaman after hearing “sharp, piercing screams” coming from the suburban home in Houston. The excited screams provided the police officers probable cause for entry, though they did not actually call out to the residents before entering.

 

Upon entering the house, the officers followed the sounds to the bedroom at the back of the house. There they found Mr. and Mrs. Seaman having rather noisy sex while making use of two of their dildos. Upon inspecting the room despite being told vacate the premises by the couple, the officers discovered a massive collection of dildos and other sex toys.  The two officers were forced under Texas law to confiscate the large collection, which mostly filled the walk-in closet of their spacious two-bedroom home. 

 

When asked why they confiscated the toys, one officer reported that it was his duty, and that, really, women shouldn’t need dildos to satisfy them when they have men. It’s not Godly.

 

In response to the question of what would be done with the dildos now that they mostly filled up a police cruiser, the other officer said that they had considered selling them for charity, but it was illegal to sell them. They also thought about melting down the plastic for condoms for use in the safe-sex program at the Texas public schools, but then they remembered there was no safe-sex program. Eventually they agreed that the dildos would have to be reclassified as weapons, and would be used as night-sticks by the Houston police in their efforts to discourage other lewd behavior such as enjoying sex. 

Obama Wants to Turn Marines into Girls with Headwear

As though enslaving America with universal health care was not enough for our Presi-don’t, Barack Obama recently unveiled plans to make the Marine Corp switch to hats that kinda-sorta look a little bit girlier than the last batch, thereby ruining the entire military forever and probably leaving America open to invasion from the Commies or something. Technically, the idea was proposed by the Marine Corps Uniform Board, a committee of Marine officers and NCOs that actually takes no input from Obama whatsoever, but thankfully the American people have never before let facts get in the way of blaming Obama for things. Thanks, Obama!

The proposed headwear is modeled after that of Sergeant Major Daniel Daly, a Marine who served from 1899 to 1929, and has a slightly more slender appearance than the ‘bucket cover’ worn by the Marines for almost a century. The change, however, has been met with waves of criticism from Marines and civilians alike, who say that the old headwear needs no improvement and also this new hat is totally a ‘woman’s hat’. No, seriously. Apparently, ‘skinny’ equals ‘feminine’ now, which readme guesses makes Slenderman the girliest motherfucker around.

“The Marines deserve better,” said one critic of the switch, because apparently making a uniform slightly more feminine is the gravest insult one can give another. Of course, this is not just a matter of personal dignity—the very security of our nation is at stake. Sure, our Marines are well-trained operatives who are expected to meet strict standards for physical fitness and skill, but how will that help when they wear hats that make them look girly? Science fact: combat prowess is derived solely from how manly your outfit is. Because of gluons. We here at readme are sure that Sergeant Major Daly, a two-time Medal of Honor recipient who fought during the Boxer Rebellion and in Haiti at the turn of the century never in his entire life did anything that could be called badass.

In response to this the uproar, the Marine Corps press office released a statement saying, “Holy shit, guys, calm the fuck down. You can keep your goddamn bucket hats.” Female Marines will still be allowed to wear the Daly hat, though. For some reason, nobody seems worried that these Marines will be emasculated by the hats. Damn, it’s almost like women can be feminine and badass, or something.

Scout Leaders Destroy Ancient Rock Formation, Surprised People Got Upset

We here at readme do our best to call attention to obscure pieces of news that really don’t have much of an effect on the lives of our readers. For instance, the government shutdown ended a while back. More importantly, now that the shutdown is over, the natural parks have finally reopened. Naturally (hiyoh!), visitors celebrated the ability to once again view these wonders by destroying the shit out of them.

 

Dave Hall and Glenn Taylor, two Boy Scout troop leaders, had been visiting the park when they decided to finally earn their ‘Colossal Dick’ merit badges by purposely knocking over one of the hundred-seventy-million-year-old rock formations that gave the park its name, simultaneously earning ‘Complete Dumbass’ pin for their decision to post the video on Facebook.

Said troop leaders were astonished to find that for some reason, rather than upvoting the video, people were actually angered by this senseless destruction of natural history. Among these haters were park officials and the Boy Scouts of America themselves, whose foremost principle when dealing with nature is to ‘Leave No Trace’. readme assumes Hall and Taylor must have skipped those lessons.

The two are of course very apologetic about the incident, but insist that they acted with good intentions. According to them, they had simply been minding their own business when they noticed the formation, which had gone a hundred million years without falling over, was totally about to fall over any second now possibly injuring nearby visitors. Clearly, the only way to prevent this was to topple the rock over themselves, because everyone knows that rocks can’t injure people if somebody knocks them over on purpose. When asked why, then, the video ended with them cheering and high-fiving at the destruction of this priceless natural treasure, they replied that they took safety very seriously.

 

The Boy Scouts of America have since revoked Hall and Taylor’s membership. Hall was reticent, and said that they hoped to be involved with the organization in the future, possibly using the incident as ‘a teaching point’. readme is a little unclear on how one can build an entire lesson plan out of ‘don’t destroy ancient works of natural beauty’, nor why they would be more qualified to teach this lesson than literally anyone else. But, hey, perhaps they can teach this to their fellow inmates if park officials end up pressing criminal charges. readme would like to recommend ‘gratuitous jackassery’, five to life.

CMU’s Hellish History

hellmouth

Ask an average CMU student what they think of certain features on the school’s campus – for example, that infamous “Walking to the Sky” statue. You’ll find that words like “kinda”, “weird”, and “eyesore” frequently enter into their vocabulary. Rarely, however, will you encounter words like and “monument to” and “Satan’s penis”. Or, in the case of the Randy Pausch bridge, “rickety bridge to hellspawn portal”.Yet such words are the sordid reality of CMU’s grim past.

Flash back to a Saturday morning in the early 1900’s. CMU campus was a wasteland, a patchy field of dying grass and unyielding soil. Any life that stumbled into the area don’t survive long- if they were lucky. Otherwise they were found days later, frothing at the mouth and lost within the folds of their own minds (you haven’t known fear until you’ve encountered a possum in this state). Understandably, locals avoided this “Satanic Triangle”. Enter Andrew Carnegie, famed Satanist and metalwork hobbyist.

For Andrew Carnegie, this was the promised land; Carnegie had long hunted for a direct link between the human world and his demonic overlords. He immediately set up camp in the area under the guise of an educational institute. Along with the College of Fine Arts, “Walking to the Sky” was one of the first structures he erected. And erect it he did – historical documents indicate that Carnegie originally commissioned “Walking to the Sky” as a monument to celebrate the very unholy member of Lucifer, the Dark Prince. Weekly Saturday worship services usually involved tying human sacrifices along its length and cranking the monument up to a proud stand. A host of demons would then traverse the Randy Pausch bridge to claim the souls of the hapless victims. Once the ritual was completed, the demons would journey back across the bridge and stop by Tazza d’Oro for a hot chocolate before retreating back to Hell with their fresh harvests and maybe a biscotti for the Dark Prince. 

Though both Tazza d’Oro and the demonic ritual have both remained untouched since they first originated during Lucifer’s Fall, the details have changed. Tazza D’Oro no longer opens on the weekends and the ritual has taken on a more symbolic form. Instead of real human sacrifices tied to a large metal penis, Carnegie Mellon binds the hope and dreams of their students to the statue, for the consuming pleasure of our demonic overlords in Gates.

Local Couple Debates Paying Their Bills

Local married couple, Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe debated whether or not to pay their bills last week as they sat in a nearly empty single bedroom flat. Jane eyed John angrily as he explained their situation to Readme. 

 

“It’s a complicated issue,” John said, “But I can’t help feeling that paying our bills might not be the right decision right now. There are a few bigger issues we need to take care of too.” When Readme asked what issues, Jane cut in angrily: “Like his goddamned sword collection. Ask him about it.” 

 

Readme was able to get John to unlock the bathroom of the apartment, which he had been using to keep his weaponry. “We’ve got a closet, but it’s full up already, and since the water’s not working here anymore I figured you know…” 

 

He changed the subject quickly, talking instead excitedly about his latest prized collection, a two-handed sword with a diamond encrusted  Standing in the doorway as he spoke, Jane seemed not to listen and instead eyed one of John’s many dirks meaningfully.

The conversation continued as John and Readme stepped of the bathroom for a breath of fresh air and to give Jane space to use the grindstone. So why did Joe’s collection take priority over bills? Readme asked. “Yes, John, why?” Jane exclaimed pointedly from the bathroom as she sharpened a blade onto one of John’s scimitars.

 

“Well, if JANE WOULD JUST LISTEN FOR A SECOND,” John said, “it’s all about keeping me and my own safe. There’ve been a lot of reports about suspicious activity going on around this apartment, and I just want to make sure our family is secure through these trying times. By buying more swords. To protect us.” 

As Readme left the apartment, Jane was last seen approaching John menacingly with a newly sharpened scimitar.

This Week in Beers

Colorado sixth-grader Michal Bodzianowski recently made every college student in the country jealous by winning a national science competition with an experiment where he brewed his own beer. Apparently, you’re totally allowed to brew beer at the age of eleven so long as it’s for science, a fact that probably would have helped all of us a lot more to learn about ten years ago.

In other lessons that would have been helpful a decade earlier, it turns out that middle school teachers don’t get mad when they ask you for science and you give them beer (actually, we probably could have figured that one out on our own). Instead, they will praise your scientific know-how, as Bodzianowski’s teacher, Sharon Combs, did when he submitted the project. “He’s very talented,” she said, adding that “He came up with this idea all on his own,” though there may have been a little wink-wink-nudge-nudge-you-know-what-would-be-a-good-Christmas-present-for-your-favorite-teacher involved.

The experiment was one of eleven selected as part of the Student Spaceflight Experiments Program, a project which sends middle-school science projects into space in order to inspire young scientists, because let’s be honest, potato clocks are way more inspiring when you put them in space. One might question why, of all things, scientists would be most concerned with mankind’s future ability to brew beer in space. Bodzianowski says it is because beer is useful as a source of emergency hydration when no pure water is available, and that the by-products of beer might have significant medical uses when brewed in space. “Yes,” said the astronauts when asked if this was the reason, as they piled the experiment into the shuttle, along with the other winning experiments on the effects of microgravity on marijuana-growing and crystal-meth-making, “That is our reason exactly.”

While we cannot say exactly what the results of this experiment will be, at the very least once this experiment is concluded mankind will be able to say we’ve brewed a beer in space. Most might consider that an end unto itself, for others this is only the beginning. “You never know how some of these experiments can be a stepping stone to something else,” said Combs excitedly of the experiment, “That’s how science works!” So true. Who knows, maybe we’ll find the Higgs boson floating in one of those space-Heinekens. Or maybe we’ll discover the secret to quantum foam in the foam of a nice lager. Or maybe we’ll just end up with really drunk astronauts. You never know, after all.

Crime and Incident Report: MechE attacks student in Club Hunt

This crime alert is to inform the community about an incident that occurred in the Hunt Library.  On Sunday, October 13, 2013, at approximately 11:20 P.M., a member of our community was assaulted while working on her 213 assignment. The suspect threw a Mechanical Engineering textbook at the victim, resulting a no severe bodily harm aside from a newly acquired obsession with trusses.  

 

Several witnesses came to the victim’s aid and the suspect ran away, leaving her computer and other belongings behind and tearing at her hair while crying “W-J/rad??!”  A librarian caught the student hiding in the girls bathroom in the basement of the library, where she patted her slowly on the back saying, “why don’t you go home and get some sleep?”.  The victim was taken to the office of Mechanical Engineering to declare her new major.

 

This message is intended to advise you of the incident and to warn that Hunt has been the location of breakdown incidents.

 

Stay close to friends and do not allow yourself or others to interact with MechEs while studying.

 

Resist attempts to socialize by CIT students

 

Avoid using devices that impair your hearing or sight while working in the library.

 

Use the University Shuttle/Escort Service when possible.   

 

Report any crazed looking students to Student Health Services or refer them to readme for a writing position. 

 

Walking to the Cry

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Photo Credit: Lydia Mankins

This past weekend the Carnegie Mellon community was struck with a calamity the likes of which it has not encountered since the tragic mutilation of the fence in 2012.  The little boy at the foot of what many students have called “an eyesore” or “a giant metal dick” has lost his hand.

Those not familiar with the sculpture should know that it is comprised of an steeply inclined chrome rod a few feet around in circumference which is climbed by several skyward bound ladies and gentlemen. The artist,  Jonathan Borofsky, once described the sculpture as “a celebration of the human potential for discovering who we are and where we need to go.”

This description struck readme as particular awkward given the placement of the various characters in the design. While several men and even, notably, women, climb the rod which The Tartan once described as “a huge phallus”,  the only black people in the piece stand ever looking wistfully up at their more socially privileged counterparts as they ascend.

To add insult to injury, these two statues, a little boy holding the hand of–presumably– his father, or maybe his creepy uncle, are accompanied only by one dudebro in a douchey baseball cap. The three grounded loners are also subjected to the greasy hands of passersby and to tacky posed photographs of freshmen and prospective students each day.

The child and father/creepyuncle cling to each other to console each other against the harsh truths of our society, staring up at the ass of a sky-walking white-woman.

Now, however, they can no longer brace themselves against their everlasting torment, as the child’s hand has been roughly dismembered from his arm. Laughing students further added to his pain, terror and humiliation by placing the hand jovially upon his petrified head in a continuation of their sick game of putting silly things on the statue.

We must ask ourselves, Carnegie Mellon, is this truly what we expect from our community? Do we not expect more from ourselves and our peers? Will you simply stand by as your classmates barbarically and gruesomely torture those around them based on race, privilege and the quality of animatancy?

Stay Classy, GOP

It is no secret that the GOP has had difficulty in recent years connecting to minority demographics like female and Latino voters. Experts cite a number of reasons for this distance, like difference in policy and the public perception that the GOP has no credible minority candidates. When asked about Michelle Bachman, the entire female gender flinched. “Yeah,” they said, “we like to think that she’s actually a Terminator that’s assumed female form and infiltrated our ‘hu-mon’ politics to destroy us from within. It’s less scary than the thought that she’s serious.” And when Ted Cruz was brought up, Latino voters responded, “No. Just no.”

To rectify this problem, the California Republican party held a convention showcasing panels dedicated to the GOP’s newfound commitment to diversity. Of course, no female-outreach convention would be complete without a healthy dose of misogyny, helpfully provided by a vendor at the event selling buttons that criticized Hillary Clinton for her ‘2 Fat Thighs’ and ‘2 Small Breasts’. Pictures of the buttons soon went viral, presumably because women love being reminded that no matter how successful they become, some douche will always judge them for not being pretty enough. Though most leaped to blame the Republican Party itself, the GOP insists that the buttons were printed by an unaffiliated vendor, who it had removed from the event as soon as they realized that the pictures had leaked online.

But, you know what? They’re totally right. Those buttons weren’t official convention merchandise and, ultimately, we can’t blame the entire Republican Party for the tasteless actions of one vendor. After all, the GOP is an old and experienced party, which knows how to cater to the desires of its constituents with decorum and tact. That’s why the keynote for the California GOP convention was delivered by the most pro-California politician they could find, that being Texas governor Rick Perry, who spent all of February running ads on about how much California sucked and bragged about the tens of thousands of jobs he’d stolen from the state. Wait.

Aside from those minor snafus, though, the convention was a huge success, raising massive amounts of awareness for the party’s efforts to be more inclusive of women and racial minorities, as evidenced by the media attention it received in….um……no news outlets whatsoever. Huh. You know what? Maybe the GOP should have taken credit for the buttons, after all. At least those were getting them coverage.