CBS KDKA Discovers It’s a News Station



Last Wednesday, several KDKA reporters were dismayed to realize that the station they work for is, in fact, a news station, a group charged with providing reliable and unbiased information to the public.

Andy Sheehan, who reported on the so-called ‘Pope Girl’ controversy – was particularly upset.

“All this time I thought I was filming for a Jersey Shore sequel,” he told readme, “Why else would I have been so deliberately biased and sensationalist?”

Sheehan’s article covering the controversy focused heavily on only one side of the debate without providing background about the art show in question, such as the facts that scanty dress is traditional and that other performers were naked. The article also seemed to take for granted that the art project was reprehensible. “The article was supposed to get readers angry, not explain the situation,” said Sheehan, “Drama keeps people interested.”

Under the illusion that his work was for a reality show, Sheehan had spent hours each day planning ways to incite outbursts and stir up emotions.

“When I approach a situation, I ask myself, what would Snooki do? I thought I was supposed to be provoking news, not relaying information in clear and unbiased ways so as to better educate the populace. Of course, that’s all behind me now,” he added.

Sheehan is aware many CMU students disagreed with what seemed to be his attempts to provoke them at their Freedom of Expression Rally:

“I told them condoning Pope Girl’s performance was the same as condoning hanging an effigy. I equated a piece that used a religious symbol in a risqué manner with a piece designed to threaten lives and incite violence. The students were supposed to disagree with me – that was the point!”

“Now that I know I actually report for a news station that changes everything.” said Sheehan, “Hey, let me make it up to you.” Sheehan then bought puppies and ice cream for everyone involved and became a model reporter, and we all lived happily ever after.

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