Benedict Resigns as Head Pedophile Protector
Pope Benedict XVI shocked observers last Monday when he announced that he would resign, stating that his advanced age and increasing infirmities would prevent him from continuing his task as head pedophile protector of the Catholic Church.
Benedict, who as Pope was in charge of administering the Church’s worldwide molestation defense operations, expressed a measure of satisfaction with his brief tenure, despite having faced significant challenges in the US, Germany, and Ireland to his papal bull on the matter.
“It’s true that we were taken aback by the vehemence of the opposition to our priests’ activities”, remarked
Benedict, “but in the end I strongly believe I did what was proper in defending the sanctity of the Church, and I’m sure the populace will be able to overcome these petty concerns.”
His departure comes at a time of tendentious struggle between competing visions of
the Church, pitting hard line conservatives like Benedict and his likely successor Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York against moderates like Cardinal Jorge Luis de la Arena of Argentina on issues such as the collapse of the Church in developed nations, abstinence policies, HIV, and molester defense. Cardinal de la Arena in particular has been at the forefront of attempting to improve relations with outsiders, and has publicly called for appointing ambassadors to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.
“Our standing in Europe has completely evaporated because of our positions”, commented
de la Arena, “and it’s critical that we avoid a repeat of such a catastrophe in the few areas that actually still respect us for whatever reason.”
Dolan, meanwhile, has been prominent on a call of returning to tradition.
“By not keeping our views exactly as they were in the Middle Ages, we have only been emboldening those who despise us. Just look at America:
Catholicism should be thriving, but we’re treated worse than the gays! There are even agnostics there. We must turn the clock back several centuries if we are to recover what we’ve lost. “He added, “And frankly, are we sure that the Earth moves around the sun? I have my doubts.”
readme Completely Unbiased
readme is dedicated not just to entertaining, but to also to drawing attention to societal wrongs and doling out criticism where it is due, regardless of party lines. Which it totally does. For reals.
“Sure, our last issue compared the GOP to the KKK,” said readme, “but it also included a cute story in which Obama is so charmingly naïve he thinks his eventual retirement will be as unexpected as
Acknowledging that people in both parties have room to improve, this year readme has been sure to choose such varied targets at
the Catholic Church, Mitt Romney, the GOP, the Tea Party, and the Catholic Church.
readme added that it occasionally throws in a liberal-leaning article or two to make sure that Democrats and Green Partiers don’t feel they’re being disproportionately criticized.
“Is readme fair and balanced?” asked readme, “Does a bear shit in the woods? Is the
Pope a symbol of out-dated prejudic– I mean, is the Pope Catholic?”
readme’s editor-in-chef said she works tirelessly to ensure that, no matter the political preferences of readme’s members, all sides get represented.
“We’re keep our own political opinions com- pletely secret and, knowing that no policy is perfect, we actively seek targets on both sides of an issue. I don’t think anyone in club knows which president I voted for,” she said over a lunch of seitan and crunchy granola.
“Well, I’d love to chat more, but I’ll be late to my engagement to another woman. Then I’m off to taxpayer-funded abortion training!”
“If the day comes when Obama does anything we can criticize, we’ll be on him!” She added, standing up to leave the table, “readme attacks hypocrisy wherever we see it.”
The Pope’s Getting Too Old for this Shit
Benedict XVI has always been known for being a loose Canon Pope who doesn’t play by the rules, chasing down sinners in his Pope- mobile and praying for the souls of attractive young blondes. But after years of being told he’s been putting the whole Vatican in jeopardy, he’s decided it’s finally time to turn in his hat and crook, claiming “[he’s] getting too old for this shit.”
This will make
Benedict the first Pope in over seven hundred years to willingly retire, with good reason. Normally, giving your boss your two weeks’ notice is awkward enough, but when you’re the Pope, that means you turn in your resignation directly to God, and that guy knows how often you use the company computers to check Facebook [watch porn?]. God only knows what He’s going to have to say about Benedict tweeting on the job. More than that, though, job hunting is going to be brutal for poor Benedict now.
Sure, he’s got about fifty years of job experience with
the Catholic Church, but how is that going to matter when a prospective employer asks if you know how to format a spreadsheet? And anyone who’s read the Old Testament knows that God is not going to be a good character reference after this. Just look at what happened to Samson. Sure, God’s cool with Samson so long as he follows dress code, but the moment he gets a new job that requires him to cut his hair, suddenly God’s not answering the Pope phone and poor Samson’s stuck grinding grain for minimum wage for the rest of his life.
The big question on everyone’s minds, though, is this: will
Benedict get to keep the Popemobile? Sure, he might need it to protect himself from the armies of Satan that will no doubt be gunning for him in retirement, but it’s still a company car.
Then, of course, there’s the whole who-will- be-the-next-
Pope bit. The only requirements to be a papal candidate are that he or she is a member of the Catholic Church in good standing, and that he or she is not a she. readme, of course, has the perfect candidate in mind: readme!
Vatican, readme would be the perfect choice. We’re sort of male. We’re almost Catholic. We know what the word ‘ Catholic’ means, at least, which is more than can be said of most of your congregation (thanks, ‘ Catholic Means Universal’ posters!). Tell you what, we’ll send you our résumé . We think you’ll like what you see. We’ve got Lucifer as a character reference.
Obama to be President Ameritus
In light of former
Pope Benedict XVI’s recent retirement, Barack Obama has decided that he, too, will retire from being President in 2017, handing over the reins to whoever wins the presidential elections in 2016. After being informed that, actually, he’s required to do that anyways, he replied, “Oh, come on! So when George Washington retires, it’s patriotic and noble, but when I do it, it’s a legal requirement? Talk about your double standards.”
The subject of his retirement has raised absolutely no questions whatsoever, but President Obama claims that it is essential for him and his cabinet to select a proper set of presidential post-retirement rules. As he is the first president to retire in about 8 years, he says, there is no playbook for such an event. When told that, yes, there is, seriously, this happens all the time, it’s a normal thing, the President responded, “Again, guys. Double standards.” He has ultimately decided that, though whoever is elected in 2016 will officially hold the title of President, he will continue to live in the White House and eat the presidential food. “Also, I call dibs on the Oval Office,” Obama added, “Just because my replacement has the ‘technical’, ‘legal’ right to the Office doesn’t mean I wasn’t there first. They can just do the Presidential stuff in the Blue Room or something.”
Obama further states he will continue to wear the presidential uniform, though he will forgo the traditional presidential cape and cowl, and that he wishes to be referred to as ‘President Emeritus’ after retirement. However, after being told that most people would probably continue to call him ‘Mr. President’, he decided that was a fair compromise. He then asked, “I still get to keep the Secret Service, though, right?”