This Week in Bears: the Classifieds

Single Panda Seeks Good Man

15-year-old female panda seeks male to grow old and have children with. Is a bit high-maintenance at times, but otherwise quiet, sedentary, a rare find. Not very picky about mates—it’s so hard to find a nice male panda these days, for some reason—but must enjoy frequent visits to the zoo. No one voiced by Jack Black, please.

Polar Bear Looking for Good Time

Large, well-nourished polar bear, 10 years, looking for young female bear for good time. A fit specimen, will totally fight for right to mate with you, but will also take you to fancy breathing hole, treat you to nice whale carcass first. If interested, give roar at nearest seal-hunting grounds.

Female Bear Seeks Deadbeat Dad

Brown bear, 12 years old, brunette, seeks asshole to sleep with her once and never call again. Must like one-night stands, emotional distance, and driving off all other men who dare to approach your chosen mate. Cannot show any interest in raising the cubs or providing alimony. If this sounds like you, come to my cave some time. But only once. Seriously, I will eat you.

Sun Bear Looking for Honey

Healthy male, 16, not really looking for a serious relationship, just for a cute bear to call ‘honey’. Must enjoy hugging, head bobbing, and breaking open wood to look for termites. Preferably looking for a diurnal type—I’m a real bear in the evenings—but not a deal-breaker. Give me a roar if you’re interested, and we’ll see where it goes.

Koala Bear Just Wants to Be Loved

Koala bear just looking for someone to tell it that it’s okay just the way it is. It’s not picky, really, all it needs is someone that’ll ignore the fact that it’s technically a marsupial and call it a ‘koala bear’ so it can feel like part of the group for just five seconds. If interested, give a bellow, or maybe just follow the sound of its sad koala tears.

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