This Week in Beards

Pictured: Beard Fraud
Pictured: Beard Fraud

 

A Columbia school board member is rallying for his fellow hirsute politicians in need of more campaign cash, and readme is shocked and astounded to learn that ‘hirsute’ is an actual word.

A man by the name of Jonathan Sessions has recently made a political action committee with a friend for the express purpose of furthering the careers of bearded individuals. The PAC was named ‘Bearded Entrepreneurs for the Advancement of a Responsible Democracy’, in what readme can only assume was the result of a group effort with the Society for the Misuse of Acronyms Resulting in Tongue-twisting Appellations rather than Shortened Slang.

Sessions would not give the media a straight answer as to whether this BEARD committee was an act of satire or a genuine super PAC, saying only, “We’re as serious as the opportunity to raise unlimited funds and spend them toward campaigning with little accountability.” He then laughed at the press, gave a meaningful wink, and began singing the Rick Astley song ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ for the rest of the interview, so it seems his true intentions may forever be shrouded in mystery.

One of the chief concerns facing BEARD, of course, is how to prevent people from perpetrating beard fraud in order to receive funding from the group. Sessions has stated that a the committee evaluates potential recipients based on a strict set of beard standards—moustaches are out, for instance, but goatees qualify—and is already working to create a ‘beard review committee’ to evaluate facial hair on a beard-by-beard basis to see if they qualify. Damn, if only Sessions were being clearer about whether or not this super PAC was meant to be satirical. It’s just so hard to tell.

Still, readme feels that this super PAC is long overdue. Hobos and Civil War reenactment societies been ignored in politics for far too long. And besides, readme wants in on this beard money. Sure, it doesn’t have a beard now, but give it ten to twelve months and some Rogaine, and we’ll be expecting our check in the mail.

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