North Carolina Divorces From Reality


North Carolina’s proposed Healthy Marriage Act makes the path to divorce longer and more difficult for unhappy spouses. Unloving couples will be forced to wait 2 years and take courses before being able to divorce.

Inspiration for the bill came when senators realized that North Carolina is such a dull place that people are filing for divorce on whim as a way to liven things up post-NASCAR season. The Healthy Marriage Act is designed to make divorce “less fun and easy.”

“Maybe now, when couples get bored, they’ll play Settlers of Catan instead,” said Senator Daniel. “We tried cracking down on drugs,” the senator added,” but that was hard. So now we’re cracking down on divorce.”

The 2-year wait was chosen to give “just enough time for Stockholm Syndrome to set in,” the senator explained. Spouses who are under the impression that they are in an abusive relationship and should escape as soon as possible are expected to have their spirits broken by the end of the 2-year stint and can look forward to decades of regretting their vows.

In an effort to implement guilt tripping as the official state policy, North Carolina will send couples to courses such as Why Do I Hate Love? and Could I Be A Worse Parent?

“You can’t say ‘til death do us part’ and then divorce”, said Senator Daniel, “That’s just lying.” The senator suggested that the Healthy Marriage Act does not go far enough: the only route to parting should be if both spouses participate in a gladiatorial-style fight to the death.

Marriage is far more than a symbol of two people’s love for each other, and so should persist even long after that love is gone. Spouses ready to give up responsibility to each other may not realize that they are not emotionally ready to give up the legal benefits of marriage. North Carolina’s 2-year wait gives them time to reflect seriously on what it means to give up joint filing on taxes and decide if they really want to risk leaving their spouse’s health insurance plan. Marriage is a vital institution that goes beyond how people feel about each other. If it was just about love, gay people could do it.

If the Healthy Marriage Act passes, North Carolina may use it as a model for other laws, and require bands and corporations to wait 2 years before dissolving professional partnerships.

Said Senator Daniels, “If we’d had a law against creative partners splitting up, My Chemical Romance would still be together!”

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