North Korea recently warned that it is able to preemptively attack the United States with nuclear weapons.
“Oh goody,” said the rest of the world, whose countries are really excited to receive the nuclear fallout. North Korea has issued a preemptive apology to anyone who may be accidentally exposed to radiation carried on the wind or in the water.
“That would be totally our bad,” said Most Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un.
Some bystander countries have said they are sick of the suspense of guessing when the Northern Hemisphere will finally kill everyone off in a nuclear war. As North Korea’s threats wear on, even normally-chill Australia has complained, “Get it over already, mate! You northerners have been talking about a nuclear apocalypse since the 40’s. Do it or don’t.”
The United States has not yet issued warnings of danger to citizens in the South Korea and is following a policy of “strategic patience”, waiting for the situation to develop more before responding.
However, should the situation with North Korea turn into more of a Cold War (or, worse, a Lukewarm War), America is prepared to issue updated public service announcements.
Realizing that hiding one’s head and crouching does nothing against the heat, shockwaves, and radiation of a nuclear blast, senior public relations officials have retired the Duck-and-Cover Turtle. Instead they are recommending the far more realistic Huddle-and-Weep Seahorse and Drink-Yourself-Into-Oblivion Panda.