As many students may have noticed, Tartan Parkour hosted a game of Humans Versus Zombies (HvZ) two weeks ago. What many do not know, however, is that this game was sharply interrupted by the dead actually rising from their graves and feasting on human flesh.
The Student Government acted quickly to prevent word from getting out about the beginnings of the zombie apocalypse. Some may be curious why the Student Senate would attempt to suppress this information from getting out; others that readme interviewed merely responded, “Wait, we have a student government?”
In fact, readme’s crack research team discovered that the Graduate Student Assembly was ultimately responsible for the initial outbreak. Due to the unbelievably low rate of participation in student government among graduate students, the mad scientists of the GSA were subject to no supervision, leaving their research into the creation of zombie minions hidden until now.
readme interviewed one HvZ player regarding these revelations. “Those zombies aren’t following the rules at all! I clearly hit one with a sock and it still tried to bite my face off. This game is totally unfair,” he complained. “This is nothing like the real zombie apocalypse!” When informed that it was, in fact, the real zombie apocalypse, the student replied, “Well, Tartan Parkour should have planned for this! Those guys are totallaaaaagggghhhhhh!” Unfortunately, the interview was interrupted when the student was mauled by a zombified Tepper student in the middle of his sentence. readme took the opportunity to get the hell out of there.
In order to always be prepared for such occasions, readme recommends that all students take 98-187, the Zombie Survival 101 StuCo. Only then can we all defend ourselves and survive the zombie apocalypse… Because let’s face it, we all knew CMU would be where it began. But with some hard work, we should be able to fight them… If we can get the time off from classes, that is.