Students here at CMU have long subsisted off of a diet of Top Ramen, Pirouette wafers, and coffee; this is something that readme itself can attest to. Not only is coffee drinking a socially acceptable drug, but it is also socially rewarded in stressful environments like our dear school. Students trying to one-up each other are frequently heard count- ing, “Yeah man! I was up so late last night, I drank four cups of coffee!” “Dude I drank like seven, don’t even talk to me.”
In light of this competitive drug use, coffee shops in the Pittsburgh area have begun catering to this culture by including harder stimulants in their menus—particularly cocaine, and Adderall for the kids.
The Starbucks on Craig Street recently started serving their cocaine in tiny coffee cups, cut with vanilla, amaretto or, for the adventurous, whiskey for an Irish twist.
CMU’s rather large community of hipsters scorned the shop, however, claiming that the product “inhales like burned dirt”, instead preferring to take their cocaine “the way it was supposed to be served” in back alleys and then getting shot by gang members.
Still others order a half shot of Adderall simply to use the free Wi-Fi.
McDonald’s was quick to jump on board with the new fad, add- ing fluorescent colorings to their cocaine to attract late-night studiers with their 24-hour service. However, the establishment’s cocaine was confiscated last week when someone found horse meat in their rainbow-colored, beef-flavored cocaine.
The prevalence of cocaine on campus has also radically changed the party scene, or what little there is of one at CMU. A small gathering of students was broken up by the arrival of cam- pus police last Saturday after they were seen doing shots of coffee off one extremely-awake girl’s stomach.
Though there is no literal award for the rather expensive habit, the knowledge that they have done more cocaine than their fellow stressed-out students warms their hearts on cold finals nights.