- Attend one or more classes.
- Shower (optional)
- Express disdain for someone in a different college/major.
- Feel secret jealousy for someone in your own major.
- Take a “class” at “Pitt”
- Express strong (negative) feelings about a student organization you’ve never actually interacted with.
- Throw up at Schatz.
- Successfully make yourself a waffle at Schatz (we dare you!)
- Wake up in a dorm you’ve never been to before or will ever go to again.
- Paint the fence
- Use the fence to make a vague political or artistic statement
- Take a picture of yourself next to Walking to the Sky; scoff with disdain at someone else doing the same thing.
- Get laid
- Write that last paper that you need to pass that last class so you can actually graduate
- Write an article for readme
- Watch the walks of shame begin on a Sunday morning
- Make a list (and check it twice)
- Eat off campus.
- Go to sleep when it’s dark and wake up when it’s bright, but not super bright.
- Learn your roommates names.
- Realize that readme is part of the Activities Board
- Settlers of Candyland
- Chess Who
- Sorry I sunk your Battleship
- Risk and Ladders
- Michael Bay’s Jenga
- Finance Monopoly
- Hungry Hungry Operation
- Hungry Hungry Axis and Allies
- Pandemic omega Virus
- Don’t Wake the Arkham Horror
- Connect Uno
- Yahtzee: The Gathering
- Battlestar Hogwarts: Battle for Westeros
- Dungeons and Dragons and Mouse Traps
- Ants in the Pants 40K
- Betrayal at Pictionary
- Pandemic of Catan
- 7 Clues
- A Game of Ladders
- 50 Cent’s Bop-It
- Don’t Break the Space Hulk!
- Small Munchkin
- Once Upon a Junta
- Escape from Puerto Rico
- Betrayal at Candyland
Obama announced yesterday a new plan to take care of the North Korean conflict; “Bin Laden him”. The phrase, which Obama coined at his announcement, refers to the May 2011 strike that ended Osama Bin Laden’s life.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna do what I did to that guy last time,” Obama bragged at the press
conference, “Best part is, North Korea’s got, like, no lights up past 9pm their time. Send in the Sixers, lights DOUBLY out, Jungster! It’s gonna be a piece of cake.”
“Which is more than most North Koreans can say they’ve had!” Obama crowed at the mostly stunned audience, and lifted an open palm over his head. “Haha, get it? Because they’re so poor, right, they can’t afford even one, ah, even one single piece of cake! Who’s with me! Up top!”
The president’s open hand reportedly remained unslapped for a full five minutes before a correspondant ran over and whispered into Obama’s ear, informing the president that the operation had been cancelled due to an intel leak of his secret plan.
In Other News
Vice President Biden has been missing since 10pm yesterday, eastern time.
Single Panda Seeks Good Man
15-year-old female panda seeks male to grow old and have children with. Is a bit high-maintenance at times, but otherwise quiet, sedentary, a rare find. Not very picky about mates—it’s so hard to find a nice male panda these days, for some reason—but must enjoy frequent visits to the zoo. No one voiced by Jack Black, please.
Polar Bear Looking for Good Time
Large, well-nourished polar bear, 10 years, looking for young female bear for good time. A fit specimen, will totally fight for right to mate with you, but will also take you to fancy breathing hole, treat you to nice whale carcass first. If interested, give roar at nearest seal-hunting grounds.
Female Bear Seeks Deadbeat Dad
Brown bear, 12 years old, brunette, seeks asshole to sleep with her once and never call again. Must like one-night stands, emotional distance, and driving off all other men who dare to approach your chosen mate. Cannot show any interest in raising the cubs or providing alimony. If this sounds like you, come to my cave some time. But only once. Seriously, I will eat you.
Sun Bear Looking for Honey
Healthy male, 16, not really looking for a serious relationship, just for a cute bear to call ‘honey’. Must enjoy hugging, head bobbing, and breaking open wood to look for termites. Preferably looking for a diurnal type—I’m a real bear in the evenings—but not a deal-breaker. Give me a roar if you’re interested, and we’ll see where it goes.
Koala Bear Just Wants to Be Loved
Koala bear just looking for someone to tell it that it’s okay just the way it is. It’s not picky, really, all it needs is someone that’ll ignore the fact that it’s technically a marsupial and call it a ‘koala bear’ so it can feel like part of the group for just five seconds. If interested, give a bellow, or maybe just follow the sound of its sad koala tears.
- Driven by readme.
- Pushed by readme.
- The buggy itself is made of readme’s.
- Faster than a speeding bullet
- More powerful than a locomotive
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- it’s a bird
- it’s a plane
- it’s Superman
- Swift as a coursing river
- Has all the force of a great typhoon
- And all the strength of a raging fire
- It’s mysterious as the dark side of the moon
- Throws bannanas behind it ala MarioKart
- Is buggier than a 110 student’s homework
- Punching bags extend from its sides ala Speed Racer
- Would also never wake up at 8am to watch itself
- Actually qualifies for rolls
- Can do a wheelie
- Does not require a small, female driver
- Has that guy from that class you once had as a pusher.
- Has a whole team of pushers; none of them the fun kind.
- Is horseless.
- Will NOT “teach you how to buggy, teach you teach you how to buggy”
- All its bitches love it.
- Respects the posted speed limit.