UN Reports Alarmingly Low Levels of Fucks to Give for Syrian Conflict

As the uprising in Syria enters its third year, UN Secretary-General Ban ki-Moon announced his concern of an “alarming deficit of fucks” in the international community that in his estimation leaves the UN woefully under-equipped to deal with the ever-escalating tensions. Addressing the General Assembly on Friday, Ban asserted that the UN’s existing stockpiles of fucks that could be devoted to the crisis were rapidly dwindling, and without a rapid replenishment of supplies, the world could be left without a single fuck to give to the Syrian people by as early as April.

Senior officials on both sides welcomed the announcement, which comes amidst reports by each side that the other has begun the use of so-called “chemical weapons celebrations” in marking the anniversary, representing a stark increase from last year’s relatively muted revelries, which included the indiscriminate deployment of “cluster party bombs”.

Riyaat al-Qortabawi, the Syrian opposition’s envoy to Europe, respond- ed, “While in some ways it’s disappointing, in the circumstances it’s useful in that it gives us more latitude to deal with Assad’s goons. I’m sure that this is one of the few points in which we and Assad see eye to eye– even without the rest of the world, the Syrian people themselves already have enough at stake that even without outside help, they can and should go fuck themselves.”

When reached for comment, senior officials in the Syrian government responded to Ban’s concerns by bombing civilians in the opposition-controlled city of Raqqah.

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